Tuesday, 27 October 2009

Enter the Lush Monster

Well its Sunday, I’m faffing about, been up super early even though date not until 7.30pm – made even worse by the clocks going back – gosh I really do have it bad huh!
So need to keep busy, its my friends birthday so I am going to pop out and see her and spend some time there and then come back and get organised. I’ve already commenced operation defluffing (probably been a bit too severe, and hey that’s probably a bit too much information also!) so I am good to go. I have to say I am super nervous. I texted him last night just to confirm everything was still on for tonight and never got a response so hey I may be get stood up anyway….
7pm I totter off to the bus stop. Now I use that term in the best possible sense. I live half way up a hill and in killer heels I can tell you walking down a hill is not the easiest. Autumn has taken its toll on Edinburgh already and as I leave the house I can see leaves everywhere. Now I know looking at those clumps of bundles hidden on the path that they are a guise for a bundle of a wet slidy mass that will result in me landing on my arse so I opt to walk down the road. Why do men find the need when they see a female walking down the road to peep their horn and shout something out their window? And the type of men we are talking about here are those that are past their sell by date and would not have a hope in hell! Is it something guys that you are taught at boys school or something? Let me tell you – it does not turn us girls on! Bit like a 70 year old driving a Ferrari! Mid life crisis.
Anyhow I manage to get myself to the bus stop (yes I am getting on a bus – credit crunch and all that) money better spent on cocktails than taxi’s I feel, and notice that the next bus not due for another 15 mins. Fine its only 7 o’clock so will still make it on time. Start having a wee surf on my iphone (how did we ever survive in the human race without such equipment) and there’s a guy sitting on the seat in the bus stop. He strikes up a conversation.
“Is that the iphone, how you finding it?”
“Great” I reply – “Couldn’t live without it”
“Yes they are really cool aren’t they? Where you off to?” he asks
“eh the Livingroom, what about you?” I reply
“Down Leith to meet my friends” he responds and then adds “I’m feeling a bit tired though and its hard to go out on a Sunday especially after being out all day yesterday”
The chat continues like this, all very pleasant and I can tell he’s flirting with me (guess it really is dark then huh??) anyhow bus comes and the conversation stops, he gets on before me. “Child” please he asks the driver!
OMG – surely not! I truly have seen and heard it all!
I sit on the bus pissing myself laughing all the way into town….. Christ I could have given birth to this guy!
Text comes in from the LM – “hey hun that’s me here, having a drink already, what do you want?” eh you? Is that too obvious lol? “red wine please, LARGE”
So I get there, walk in and he’s at the bar. I stand and stare for a few minutes before walking up to him, obviously just taking in the wardrobe choice, I approve… nice jeans and a shirt. Nothing dodgy here, all good to go, I can continue.. Walk up to him, he smells amazing, he gives me a kiss, god I just want to sleep with him there and then! What the hell is wrong with me! Notice that the guy who is serving is the same guy who commented last week that I am never in there with the same guy twice, I try to turn away – nope he’s having none of it. “Hey Sam, how are you? Nice to see you again, and so soon!” I grimace at him… LM comments “Gosh he’s quite friendly isn’t he – do you come here often?” eh “not that much really” Aussie barman retaliates with a “usual tab to be set up then?” I really want the ground to swallow me up… bastard he will pay for that one day…. I mumble something under my breath and say to LM – “shall we find a seat?”
Find a nice wee cosy booth and its all dimly lit with candles etc and I find myself strangely just staring at his mouth as he speaks, it’s a lovely mouth and I am imagining all sorts – time to snap out of it…..Must drink more wine… not good though. A few glasses of wine down and I am finally started to relax, he’s really good company. He asks if I want to go through to the restaurant for something to eat. Now I never ever eat in front of someone on a first date – ever! So I’m kinda struggling with an answer to that one but I am really enjoying myself so I say “yes that would be great” Brilliant you moron, how the hell are you going to get through that I am shouting inside my head! Is it just me or is it normal to feel so bad about eating in front of someone you don’t know? I hate it as I worry about dripping food on myself, or for a random piece of food to get stuck in my teeth and your date too polite to point it out, or even worse a crusty bit letft over on the side of your mouth, which again your date is too polite/scared whatever to tell you. Bloody great – I’ve only gone and done it now.  Strangely enough its not bothering me, mmm why is that? So we head through to the restaurant and I am drinking more and more wine. It’s starting to take its effect. Now normally drink make me more likely to want to jump someone but its having the opposite effect here – what the hell is that all about? Mind is slightly confused now. What is happening here?
So we eat dinner, share a pudding, what the hell???!!! Fighting over the last bit too, Christ this is bad… and then go back to the bar afterwards. I am really enjoying myself. After everything that has happened over the last couple of years and all the disasterous dates of late I am thinking I actually feel normal! I feel like I’ve moved on and I am just a normal girl, out here having a normal night out – it feels great!
We sit there until the bar closes and we are literally thrown out. We go outside and there is no “do you want to come back to mine?” from either of us, there is no awkwardness nothing. We both just hail taxis and I get in mine and him into his and head home. Great night. I text him to say I had a really good night and thanks for dinner. He texts back saying “me too, really enjoyed myself, sweet dreams, see you at work tomorrow” awwww how sweet. I collapse in bed and fall into a deep sleep.

I am taking a FB

Plucked up the courage – I’m taking a FB!
So finally thought right time to get a grip. We are in the year 2009 it is perfectly acceptable to ask someone out. Isn’t it? All my friends seem to tell me so. So decided last Monday that the Lush Monster (LM) who has been taking up most of my thought space, was worth a shout. Even if that meant taking a FB, trust me this LM is defo a FB option – he’s lush! Is it normal to just want to have sex with someone and nothing else? Are my pregnancy hormones just still kicking around? Has the “sexual drought” finally got to me and I am looking through some goggles similar to those of the beer type? Mmm well who cares what it is – I’m doing it, (the asking out that is!) so after an hour or typing the email and having it sit in my draft box I finally hit the send button. Gulp! What then kicked in I did not expect. The “OMG” what if he doesn’t reply? What if he comes back and says “eh actually no I don’t think so” Christ is my confidence taking a dent now or what! Why the hell did I hit the bloody send button now…… aaaargghhhhh – time to escape for an extra shot Latte to calm me…. Aaarrrrrgghh nutter – see it never is acceptable to ask a man out…. Feel like headbutting the desk!! Bloody numpty that I am…… Why do we put ourselves into these situations? Why do we think that everyone of course would want to go on a date with us? Why is it that we think we are irresistible to most men? Christ this has given me a bit of an insight as to how a guy must feel asking us girls out when we have no issues about turning them down straight away! The poor male speccies, we really do put them through it don’t we? Society has taught us that we should sit there pretty waiting to be asked out and when we do, turn them down straight away! I personally find it hard to turn someone down who has asked me out as I feel sorry for them and I would probably end up going out with them through pity but I think I am a rare species. This is more evident when I think of some of my friends and their reason for turning guys down, such as “he turned up on his first date wearing Chinos eww” or “I just didn’t like his shoes” or “he walked with a slight limp” Can you imagine if that was the reason a guy turned us down? We would be outraged. However it appears to be acceptable for us to!
Escape for my coffee, muttering and mumbling under my breath! Something from a scene out of Dastardly and Mutley! Get back to my desk and needn’t have worried, there was a wee email back saying “hi there, yes that would be lovely, when are you thinking?” ooooh exciting, wee butterflies in my stomach, reply back “Sunday night” “cool” the reply came back instantly. Oh I’m very excited. So we agree to meet Sunday night at 7.30 at the Livingroom. Evidently I have not learned my lesson about picking another location after my last shenanigans in there…. Oh what a long week it’s going to be. Decided right I am definitely taken a FB. Definately! The girls are already telling me that I do not have the ability in me to
Ok ok need to just not focus on this until the Sunday. Time to keep up with the extra emails that have been coming in from our lovely internet sites. I have not responded to ANY of them apart from one. Quite an interesting character. Not of the usual dodgy standard, but hey you never can tell. Anyhow I enter into discussions with him and we chat very easily for a few days. That is at least distracting me  from lustful thoughts of the LM on Sunday! On top of this Mr Blah (date 1 remember – coffee in Morningside) has made a guest appearance on my msn again. He starts the conversation with the “Hey there” line, I respond back.. We start a conversation and he says that although we never clicked as a possibility of a second date he really enjoyed our chats, would I be interested in being friends? And to be fair he did have good chat, so I agree and to be fair its been night and day, its been great chats and I have been speaking with him most days and its all going great on a friendship level. Its not like I need another male friend but hey ho, you can never have too much.
Here’s a few more emails to keep you entertained!
Subject Line – Impossible.
Hi – I tried to rate your pics but I couldn’t find an 11!
Roy x
OMG how cheesy is that?? 10 is the max rating…
Subject Line – Shoes
I love reading, my cooking skills are second to none, apart from the odd TV Chief and my mother.. I have travelled around the world in eighty odd days as well as liking to wear the odd pair of heels. All in all I think I would be worth saying hi to!
Really in your first email would you a) mention your mother and b) mention you occasionally wear heels? It started so well as well
Subject Line – Hello x
I like what I see – say hello!
Subject Line – Hello There
How r u?
So sounds ok until you look at his profile and he’s 67! Now common I am only 34
Subject Line – Looking for someone caring
That’s it – nothing else – I don’t think so
Subject Line – Wow
Wow wow wow. Would love to have a chat with such a lovely laaaadyyyy
I can just imagine the way he was speaking when he wrote this – I am thinking Raul from the Irn Bru adverts (google if you don’t know who I am talking about)
Subject line – Hey
Hi there. My name is xxxxx, I am a 44 year old from Perth. I have been separated for 18 months and I have 2 children. It is hard going being single with 2 children and trying to fit everything in. I am looking  for someone who will help me out and we can look after them together. I am not looking for short term or one night stands. Serious applicants only!
What the ****. Yeah mate I will just turn up at your house and look after your 2 kids for you… Could these mails get any worse??!!

Monday, 19 October 2009

More mails to enter the trash bin

It really is entertaining to come home and think right what do my emails hold for me tonight. I'm thinking that maybe I should have a week off the dating scene and just chill - yes lets do that. Half hour in I'm getting a bit fidgety to check my emails, can't resist.. A wee look can't harm can it? Gosh it doesn't dissapoint does it??

Just wading through them now but though I would show a few extracts!

i am looking for a girlfriend/wife.i want make my girl feel like queen,like goddess.i will do everything for her,i'll work for her,i'll buy her anything she order,i'll do housework always,i'll kiss her feet,i'll be her private slave,i'll obey her,and she have every right to do anything she wants on me,she can punish me,humilate me etc,she is the goddess she decide she has always right.
Someone out on day release I believe!


Eh time to visit the doctor for some medication again

Now dont get me wrong - I love it too but I ain't going to post on some random place about it (oops is that not just what I did??)

Anyhow will keep on wading through them all and report back any more dodgy's...

I would like to confirm also that i have taken the intial step to entering the world of FB! Lets see if it works out....

Sunday, 18 October 2009

Teddy Boys still exist and someone needs their medication!



So lets start with Mr No 1. Otherwise known as loonytunes!

At my last update I told you about the guy who basically said "don't bother turning up as I won't be there" no benefit of the doubt for my Iphone catastrophy! Anyhow on way to date with Mr No 2 it all kicks off. I just want to publish the whole shenanigans here from the beginning.

Him (original text) "Hi S, just in case you were thinking of turning up tonight ar arranged (unlikely I know). I just thought I would let you know that I won't be there. I hope you find what you are looking for"
Me - "Ok then. My phone fell in the bath yesterday just 5 mins ago got all your messages after buying a new phone. I don't like the way you sent that text so its probably best that you are not turning up"
Him - "I'm realllllly sorry. I emailed you earlier to apologise but thought you were ignoring me. Can you ever forgive me?"

OMG alarm bells going off here so send next email to end it

Me - "I access everything on my phone so no access to my emails, I wasn't ignoring you but better to leave it anyway as your texts and tone make me think it was the right decision not to meet up. Good luck with your search"

Surely thats it! oh no

Phone rings, voicemail. I listen to it all apologetic.. I dont return call


Him - "Please let me buy you dinner to make up for treating you so unfairly. Even if you'd rather it was a one off. I can't bear you thiking badly of me. Im a very nice guy who wouldn't dream of hurting anyone"

Anyone else slightly freaked out by this?? cos I sure as hell am

Me - "Don't feel bad, its ok. No need to buy me dinner or anything for that matter. Good luck in meeting someone"
Him - "No I do feel bad and rightly so. Do you think you could ever give me a second chance?

FFS - this is getting too much. Ive never met this guy and hes acting like I have just walked away from a ten year relationship! seriously come on - Had I sent that type of texts then guys would be running for the hills!

I ignore text

Again - him "please forgive me. I have to say you are the most attractive woman I have ever seen"


Him - "I don't suppose I could see you tonight?"
Me - "eh no sorry dont think so, please stop texting"
Him - "go on please, I stayed in all weekend looking forward to our date. I could drive to you and pick you up within the hour and drop you back off home afterwards then you can decide if you want to see me again"
Christ at this point I am thinking i would rather go on a date with Fred West
Me - "again no"
Him - "How about another night? I am out in Edin Tues night and Frid night but free any other night - when suits you? ps do you like red roses"

Seriously come on - I am not answering anymore.. This man has obviously not taken his medication today. Run for the bloody hills.

I am sure I have not heard the end of him - I can just tell....

So all that kicking off before I meet Mr 2 at Cafe Rouge. So I get there, stressed to the max and sit in. Order myself a latte and wait.... Out the corner of my eye I witness a teddy boy standing outside the window peering in. Surely to god, please just not me, please just let me have one date in peace.. oh no, fate not dealing with that. He's mine alright... Comes in sits down and I swear he is a throwback to the 50's. He is wearing a Fonzy jacket straight out of happy days, tshirt and jeans to match and actually has black velvet teddy boy shoes on. Please lord give me strength! I know its been 7 months since I have had any form of relationship and sex for that matter in time but cut me some slack.... I just cant distract from his whole look, people are actually staring at me thinking NO WAY! I almost burn my mouth with the speed at which I drink my latte at and during this time as he chats I notice that he cant hold eye contact, he keeps on looking over my shoulder when talking. On numerous occassions I turn round to look to see if someone is there.... He says "whats up" I am like sorry but I keep on thinking someone is behind me... Final straw comes when the guy sitting next to me at another table goes to the toilet and comes back and he stops him to ask him for the bill..... Time for a sharp exit.... and fast.. Pick up bag, leave and he kisses my face soakingly wet on the cheek ewwww - maybe thats the Fonzy's style!!!

Cobbles and 5 inch heels to the car do not make it easy to run but I break into sprint leaving a trail of dust behind me as I escape to R&A's to down a glass of wine and a rant.... Heaven

Have decided tomorrow I am emailing Mr Mysterious and asking him if wants a FB! Needs must and all that....

Edinburgh - please show me that all is not lost, please show me that 35 and over is not the dregs, please give me some hope that I am not the only normal, decent datee left in this world... The search continues for not Mr Right but Mr NORMAL!

2 become 1 (and no it's not a Spice Girl Song!)

So yesterday I let you know I was going on 2 dates today. Well one is a super keen guy and the other is one that I had a bit of instant email/text click.No 1 booked for 3pm coffee no 2 booked for 4 pm coffee. Thank god I like coffee huh as will no doubt be bouncing off the walls on caffeine later. Anhyow - no 2 was texting in the afternoon yesterday and we were having a right good banter back and forward. As you know from my blog I have issues with short men, well actually I dont have issues, short men have issues with me. So I was winding this guy up asking him if he really was 6 foot 2 as his profile says. He was like "eh no my profile shouldn't say that - Im actually five foot 4" yeah right! then he asks if I have any other "issues" he should know about. I reply saying "cars" so he emails back saying "so if I am five goot 4 and drive a skoda I've pulled" I text back saying "look seriously if that is the case don't bother texting back as I am not interested" (was obviously only teasing) but then what happened next was unbelievable! In complete slow motion my bloody iphone fell in the bath and I couldnt fish it out - dead, dead as a dodo! Bloody great this guy will think I am being serious!! Try to switch it on - it aint working... nothing nada.

I am the middle of getting dressed for going out and J&P ring the doorbell so I have no option but to leave. Leave phone on radiator to dry out!! Needless to say everyone finding it funny when we are out. Bastards!

So this morning I wake up and still no phone - what to do??? I cannot live without my phone..

Cut along story short - lots of flirting in the O2 shop (guys you are sooo easy!) get myself a free upgrade to new phone - brilliant. Text No 2 and explain. He finding it funny so thats all good. Still arrange date (although now having second thoughts as he just called and I spoke to him and eww he doesn't sound nice at all!!) how the hell can someone be fab on texts, emails and sound soooo different - still can't pull out now.

Problem I have now lies with No 1. So was about to text him and explain the same prob as No 2 with the bath story. Get a text saying "eh don't bother turning up today as I won't be there, good luck P x"
What the f?
You are having a laugh. Would a girl ever send that? No! Would we give someone the benefit of the doubt? Yes
I text back explaining the bath situ and explain that "its probably good we not meeting up if your last text has anything to go by" he texts back "soooo sorry, can you ever forgive me?" OMG thats freaking me out and to top that he's now bloody caling me! I am not answering!
Guys guys guys - please think about this. You are portraying what us girls would be classed as nutters for. Why is it acceptable for you to act like a nutter and get away with it but for us we are psycho!

Oh Fuck he's left a voicemail - can't even bear to listen to it. I suppose I should....

Will report back later on No 2 (athough as I said he's not sounding too great an option!!!!)

UPDATE: voicemail listened to - he sounds like he's almost in tears. At this stage I am thinking close call for me then! He sounds totallly unstable.... He's offering to take me to dinner to make up for the misunderstanding. No thanks. I know that probably sounds heartless to you all out there but after 2 years of "Fixing" someone with issues, I have no intention of persuing a broken man ever again!

God really is it that diffucult to get a good date in this bloody town???!!!

Saturday, 17 October 2009

Is this really what you would send? Like really!

So no dates this evening - out for a party instead! But have 2 dates tomorrow, seperate post to come on that one.

Anyway I just want to have a rant about emails. I mean come on guys, seriously. The rubbish I have had into my inbox in the last couple of days has been trully spectacular to say the least. Do men really think we fall for some of this stuff? again maybe I am unique and this just doesn't get me and maybe does other females so I just thought I would post some rather interesting pieces of text to show just what I am up against!

Christ bring on that Gin tonight I tell ya!

Here we go gang - read them and weep - LITERALLY!!

Needless to say these are some of the ones I am NOT planning on dating..

Be back tomorrow to chat on the debate of "Two dates in one day"

heya hun...

You surely good with wrds...and like a charmer...you have literally charmed me
enuff to write to u... To be honest i aint that good with WRITING words, but can surely match up with ur talking skills... ;)
And wish i cud prove the fact...that 99% of things which get u going are with this guy, tryin to chat u up :)
Love to see if we can work out sumthn between us..
I am 27 working as a manager for a store, puttin up jst up the bridges.
6ft, dark eyes and hair...athletic and a charmer too... :) m from new zealand...and m mixed.. :)
So u cud say... Tall, dark skinned (cos m mixed) and smart :P

Like reading, music and adventure sports (bungee jumping, para-sailing, rock climbing etc..)

I actually don't even understand half that - do any of you?

its ok for a woman to love shoes but as for me ! lol folk think am way too odd as i adore nice shoes xx ( on a lady ) lol

What the F***?

Hi Interesting to hear you like shoes lol. I like feet!lol.
As you say, what woman doesn't like shoes, but hey, sounds as if you are relaxed with your affliction. ha ha

So, a red head eh,,I'm interested.Unique, individual and different people, powerful character and spice, nice.

Would you like to take a risk and meet me for that coffee date sometime and maybe see if the spark can be lit into a roaring flame !

OMG - really??!!!

Two eyes meet across a crowded room.

You feel the tingle go up your spine as your back instinctively arches and your lips send a smile back to the stranger.

But the eyes don't look away.

You are being watched and you LOVE it! That feeling of excitement and electricity starts in your stomach.

A combination of arousal and that sinking feeling.

The one you get when you know that this man is going to get what he wants and you are going to enjoy him taking it. You can imagine the tender passion of his kiss on your lips.

As he begins to walk towards you your veins flood with emotion. Your heart begins to pound. Something incredible is about to happen. If you will only take the next step and SAY HELLO to him.

Are you the kind of woman that can appreciate the difference?

The difference between what you think you want and what would truly, deeply fulfill you? The difference between a little attention from a lot of men, and the right kind of attention from the right kind of man?

The kind of man who enjoys the sight of a woman truly fulfilled, truly exploring, truly experiencing who and what she is, not what her friends or others want her to be, but what she really wants to be in all of those ways that she hardly expresses, but only and wishes and dreams that she could?

I think when that can be realized, now, with me, that is when I see that a woman is truly wonderful to be with.

Something wonderful is about to happen.

I'm sorry but I am absolutely pissing myself laughing! - OMG

Seriously I am getting like 10 of these a day like this. What is it about my bloody profile that is pulling out this type of chat in men? Yes I like shoes, yes I mention that in my profile - I have a pretty normal profile outwith that... Must go and do some research to see if I have accidentally ticked the "all weirdos welcome" option!


Friday, 16 October 2009

Is it ever acceptable to ask the man??

So in this day in age are we all still harbouring under the old fashion rules of dating? Do we still trully believe that the man should make the first move? At work we are more than happy to take on what we would believe is the right to do an equal job yet when it comes to approaching the male species we don't do it! Why is that? What makes us think that it is ok to be that ball busting female in the workplace but in relationship related challenges we should take the back seat? This is a question I ask myself a lot. And I still don't have the answer. I worry for all the assertiveness I show in my career I am a wallflower in relationships. The fact that with Voldermort I transposed into a 1950's housewife proves this point... yes I did. The man did nothing - he didnt need to I did it all, right down to laying out the bloody clothes and underwear he would wear to work each day! Where is the equal rights there? I mean if he was ever to express what underwear I wore I would be outraged!(eh ok maybe on occassioin he did but thats a whole different type of blog!!) He loved it though, he loved being looked after, loved knowing that what I dressed him in was what I wanted to see him in. Mmmm maybe there is a lot of truth in that.

Anyhow back to the question in hand - "Is it ever acceptable to ask the man? "This is becoming more evident the more thoughts of Mr Mysterious come to mind. I should just elaborate a little on Mr Mysterious. He's the first ever guy (and I swear the first ever) that I look at and just want to sleep with (and not of the going to my bed with my jammies on and rolling over to go to sleep type!) Seriously, when I see him thats all I want to do! I've never had that with anyone..I'm blaming pregnancy hormones still lingering on long after they should have done. I'm just not that type of person - but boy with him I would be that type of person! Not interested in a relationship with him, just want to jump him! So today during coffee with J she said that I should just ask him.. Yeah how the hell do you do that? Christ I'm the woman here that will sit through 2 hours of chat to be polite. I can't exactly be the type to walk up to this guy and say "right you, mines in half an hour!"


It's just never acceptable is it???


Date 4 - Mr Chookter

Right so this time I have to have got it right. Five foot 11, nice teeth, pics look great, profile good. He emails, I email back. Few emails later then he asks for my mobile number "not to call me?" I say in alarm! "No just to text" Fine I can agree with that. So the texts start. Initially odd one during the day and then some in the evening thats fine. The one thing I have learned during this experience is that men seem to have an expectation that you will text back immediately! That leads me to another dating question - what is an acceptable time to leave before texting back? How many texts are acceptable? For me normally I would text people back straight away but I currently have a baby to run around after - texting back is NOT my priority! However I have learned when you enter the world of dating this not texting back within say 10 mins means you are all of a sudden not interested. I have to say I am getting slightly annoyed with men who then text back 15 mins later with the "oh if you don't like me just say" christ if a woman was to text that to a man they would be running for the hills but for us we just have to accept that the 10 min rule applies with men! Great another bloody con to add to the relationship list.....

So I keep up the texting as much as I can (again why should I but at least I need to prove I made the effort!) Guys you really are complex charachters I tell ya!

We arrange to meet on the Sunday evening for a coffee first with the agreement that we will start with coffee and see how it goes (ie stay out for something to eat.) Venue - livingroom (again I hear you moan but I just love it there- feel very secure in there for some bizarre reason)
Time - 5.30

So no need to dig out the nightmare side zipping dresses this is a jeans a top assignment.

Get on the bus at 5 (yes I do do buses especially at that time of day). Head into town and all going well so far. He texts to say that he is on route. He lives down in the Borders somewhere so its a fair hike for him. 10 mins later he texts back to say thats me in George Street now. So there I am standing outside the Livingroom waiting on this man to appear who all I know is the small teeny pic I have seen of him. A couple of people pass and the nerves start building up but the keep on walking.. Its amazing how at my age you are still standing there feeling totally frozen to the spot when some guy on his own walks past!

Then walking towards me I see a really nice looking guy with lovely three quarter length coat on = he looks lush. Get a wee bit excited. He's walking right towards me and is slowing down - cool this could be the start of a good night. He stops right where I am but then talks to the person behind me - gutted!

10 mins later I am still standing there and starting to feel a bit like a spare - I hate lateness almost as much as bad teeth! Then on the other side of the road a guy walking along, only this time unlike Mr Long Coat mentioned above my heart actually sinks into the floor. Please do not let this man cross the road as I will just die if it is him. He looked horrendous! Phew he kept on walking. Thank God. Still no sign of this man though and he should be here by now as when he called earlier he was only a 5 min walk away! Just getting ready to fish my phone out of my bag when someone taps me on the shoulder saying "hey Sam" I turn and to my shock its the bloody man I saw on the other side of the street! noooooooooooooooooooooooo Fuck what do you do? Can't bail now! Could I just pretend I have had a heartattack? no I can't. Too polite to do that... So I say Hi back and wander into the bar... Great its going to be a long night!

In the bar I come face to face with the same barman from my previous 2 dates, he welcomes me with a "setting up another tab tonight are you?" I cringe slightly.. Chookter looks over at me and says "oh they seem to know you quite well in here then" eh yeah!. Set up my tab, settle down not with a coffee but with a large red and drink it almost in the one go! Incidentally he still doesn't look any better and what the hell is he saying, I just can't make it out? I smile sweetly and nod in where I think are all the right places... Hell I then realise he could be saying to me "how's about it?" and I would be agreeing so I stop doing that..

The hour drags by, seriously! I learn also in that hour that he has booked himself into a hotel in Edin for the night - presumptious or what?? there is no way I am hugging this man let alone going back to his hotel room!

"Blah blah blah blah eat?" I am assuming he means do I want something to eat? I say yes (what the f? why? I don't know - dont ask! - Im thinking it must be a) because I am in the Livingroom and b) it saves me cooking! So I agree.... I make a mental note there and then to google self help when I get home - I think I need it!

I eat, I drink, and I get the hell out of there! It's another no no. 4 Dates down and not one option of someone I would share a drink with on a second occassion!

As I am leaving he goes to the toilet. Barman shouts me over and says "eh I take it the dates not going too well then?" I said "what do you mean" he was like "come on you have been in here 4 times in the last couple of weeks and I have never seen you with the same man twice!" oops - time for a new venue I feel!!!

Get in taxi, say goodbye - air kiss this time..

2 mins in the text comes! - "Hey just to say had a lovely night, really hope we can do it again, you're fab"


Thursday, 15 October 2009

The debate rears its head again - FB vs Relationship

So let's do a recap! To date I have had:

The Blah boy - lesson learned that I am the type of person that needs stimulated (conversationally before you start off on some other train of thought!) oh and that teeth need to be good.

The Cocksure - lesson learned that for all those times I have claimed that confidence is a big turn on then in reality too much confidence is actually arrogant. Mmm confusing though because with confidence comes chat and thats back to my stimulation thought above!

Mr Small - no hard lesson learned here is there? Five foot 11 and above or else - end of!

Now in all of this I am learning more and more about myself as a person too - Im not just on some mad men hating showdown, hey they have their uses (can currently only think of Car Maintenance and Sex as options but I am sure there are more and hey the later can be achieved without need of said man!. Hey I'm well aware that I'm hard work (I'm sure most of my friends reading this will testify to that - apparently something to do with my dodgy Scorpio Star sign, cheers for that P) I give too much in life and therefore expect the same in return. I'm now thinking if I give nothing, I should expect nothing so I am setting my expectations low and anything better than that is a bonus.Again thoughts ponder then to Fuck Buddy route. Could this be in reality what most woman want? A shag with no ties? Mmmm lets consider this for a second before I continue with Date 4 Mr Chookter.

Pro's for a fuck buddy (FB)?
- Text or phone call away when the need is there
- No interest in "how was your day honey" actually no need to talk at all!
- No requirement to worry about whats wrong with them - they are ultimately just there for one reason
- Does what it says on the tin.
- No expectation of running around making dinner, cleaning and tidying up for them

Con's for a FB
- May expect the same service in return from you - and hey safe to say I aint no booty call late on a Sat night
- May be crap therefore whats the point?
- May start to expect more
- No emotional attachment - although I actually see that as a Pro

Pro's for a Relationship
- Lifelong bond (eww did I actually just type that? see I told you 2009 made me bitter)
- Someone to share everything with
- Someone to look out for you when you need it
- Someone to look after and hey this is one of the things I actually do very well - probably too well actually!
- Being part of a twosome, kindred spirits (eww see point 1)

Con's for a relationship
- Dealing with the goddam bloody moods - sorry guys but whoever said woman were super moody was a bloody man! You absolutely take the moodville to extremes... Us woman get bored of not talking as we are used to talking more so when you go off on one for a few days at a time it just doesn't cut it - come on, get over yourself! Be the bigger person, admit you were wrong, have make up sex, end of!
- Expectation that the housework/cooking is a female task. I'm sorry but hey I have a full time job, a very stressful one, one that requires 7 days a week working at times. I do all the childcare duties. I do not need to come home to see you slumped in the sofa after your "stressful day" chat to then ask "whats for tea hun"? Well if you had taken the time to open the bloody fridge you would know! God forbid you would actually remove something from the fridge and use that big silver contracption that sits in the middle of the kitchen with the words O V E N emblazoned on the front! Its funny though that when you have no energy to do that miraculously when its bed time you have all the energy in the world to expect some form of sexual antics that match those of the Kama Sutra! Truth is guys we are too bloody knackered after cooking, cleaning, ironing etc to even put our bloody jammies on let alone get our legs into some yoga advanced position! Maybe if you helped out a little more then sex may be forth coming!
- Remembering not only everything in your life but also his! What is it about entering into relationshipville that means not only are you responsible for orgnasing everything for yourself but them too? Come on girls how many times have you had to remind him "oh have you sent your mother's birthday pressie away?" "remember you have the doctors" "are you forgetting the kids parents night this week" and so on, christ I could write a blog alone on this. Can someone explain from a male's point of view how that happens? When does that responsibility cross over to us? Why then when your mum doesn't get a birthday present is it then an arguement with us as to how they hell could we forget your mothers birthday! Christ god forbid we would ask you to pick up a pressie for our friends/family, "you must be bloody joking - I aint going out shopping for your friends, wouldnt know where to start"

OMG I could go on and on

I've just decided after typing all that - FUCK BUDDY FOR ME!

and Mr Short makes it Date number 3


So whilst Mr Cocksure was still busy emailing and texting (despite being thrown the rubber ear! - take the hint man!) enter a new candidate into my inbox. This one look particularily interesting.. The website claimed that we matched on 21 points - thats good going as the max is 24! And hey he even paid extra to have a border round his profile, that surely must meen he's a bit more making an effort, yes? I start to read his profile. All sounding good, quite a funny profile, teeth look nice in this one. He winks at me. I wink back. Emails start from there, nice nice.

We agree to meet on Friday night, 2nd October. My male friend P says he has a good feeling about this one - I think thats just because this guy seems to share his inner geek as well. Hey don't get me wrong I have an inner geek, absolutely. I love all boy toys, gadgets, have a massive interest in cars and motorbikes. My Sky plus reads like your average bloke's, however in the same vane I am as girly as they come. I can twirl my hair like the best of them to get some male help! But to be fair it is a good start, at least a talking point where in the past disasterous dates there hasn't really been a talking point.

Now I'm not sure if you have picked up in this blog but I do have a love of shoes, the higher the better. I currently have in excess of 120 pairs and to be fair not really one pair is less than 5 inches. Doesn't every gal deserve a pair of shoes for every occassion? We were born with feet, they should look the part shouldn't they? It's a womans right to good shoes! Couple that with my already tall height of five foot ten then you can see that I may be quite tall when out and about. Everyone has probably seen those celebs etc on tv, in mags. The Sophie Dahl and Jamie's off the world, Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman. It's not an attractive look is it? So I do have a pre requisite on my profile to say at least 5 foot 11.

So imagine my surprise when I turn up to meet this 6 foot (detailed on his profile) guy who is actually 5 foot 7!!! To make matters worse the place I was meeting him at was closed so I stood there waiting (on a bloody step none the less!) which made me over 6 foot! He turns up and the first thing I can spot is his bald part of his head - I am actually that much taller than him! He gives me a hug (Im still on the step at this point) and his face just rests in amongst my boobs! Now I know there's no issue with that, time and a place for that huh. That time and place is not meeting on a first date. I must have registered shock on my face as he looked up and said "I'm too short aren't I?"

As I mentioned the place we were meeting at was closed so we decided to walk down to another bar at the end of the street. It was the most awkward walk ever. To compensate I adopted this very bizarre John Wayne come Hunch back of Notradame walk to reduce my height. At one point I was almost bent over. It's just not right! To be fair walking through town with my son (who is about the same height) is a far more acceptable option.

So we get to the bar - no comfy seats left just two seats at the bar - I'm fine with that as trust me tonight I aint moving from that bar!!! Get me a bloody drink now. Now without a word of a lie here, we pulled the two bar stools out and I sat up put bag down ready to order, turn round and he's actually struggling to get up on the stool. I couldn't control myself "need a hand up there?" that didn't go down too well. Once he finally got up his legs just hung there like some ventriloquist doll! OMG could this get any worse??

I have to say it was quite a pleasant evening, I think that may be clouded by the amount of drink I consumed but hey at least 2 good things - 1) Chat was good and 2) nice teeth.

Dilemma now is how do you not persue this any further on the grounds of "sorry mate you're too bloody small!" I simply cannot convey that positively into a text! Head firmly back in the sand again!! aaarrrggghh

Now the next part of dating etiquette raises its head again - this time the "End of date farewell" Mmmm ponder

Options - a) Handshake at end of night and a "thanks for a nice night" - maybe this a bit too formal like being at work - so nope
b) Air kiss - too much opportunity for a misplacement of lips though - nope again
c) A hug - could be an option but could risk any contact with body parts that you are not really willing to be in contact with! - mmm definate no
d)Nothing - as in nothing. - Option I took

"Thanks for a lovely night I'm off to get a taxi" I say, "Oh already?" "yes" I respond. Head out into the street and start to get into the taxi. "Can we share he says" eh "No we live in complete opposite directions" I respond. "Ah ok then, lovely to meet you" he then just leans in the bloody taxi and gives me a full on snog! eww. Quickly scramble for taxi door, yank it shut, batter the side of his elbow in the process!

"Drive Taxi, drive"
"Where to madam"
"at this moment in time - anyblodywhere"


Follow up text reads like this

"Hey there, Wot you up 2 today? Just wanted 2 thank you again 4 a lovely evening. U were great company (as well as great looking) and I hope we can meet up again soon"

I feel sick....

Why do I put myself into these situations? Am I still suffering some form of gullable itis? I ponder this as I head off to Sunday lunch with my good friends A&R who are obviously finding this all super amusing.. I'm so glad I'm at least keeping some people entertained!

Wednesday, 14 October 2009

Enter Date 2 - Mr Cocksure

Thursday 25th Sept
So Mr Blah would appear to have taken the hint – only had 5 texts today rather than 20 normally! Eh beginning to have a rethink about tomorrows date though. Today he emails to say that it might be good to exchange pictures. I am like well eh look at my profile online it has them on there. Oh no he decides hes going for it and sending me a pic. Ok fair enough. Comes through and hes bloody naked in it. I mean common, would you? Really? Admitedly he does have a fab body but its just not on. I have another friend on the dating scene at the moment and she had a similar pic sent. These guys seem to think that we are so desperate for it that sending a pic of a six pack will get us on the go. Eh am I wrong here? Is this where I am going wrong? Should I be looking at the six pack and thinking right I’m going for it? Christ this dating malarky is a minefield! I can’t even bring myself to respond to it. Now getting slight anxious about date… mmmm another broken leg I fear coming up! Time to just busy myself with lovely darling baby I think!

Friday 26th Sept
Date night number 2.. with the naked picture sending IT consultant. What can we call him – Mr Cocksure!
So there are certain things woman don’t realise after giving birth. 1) that lovely undewear that looked fab nine months ago now does nothing for your milk filled boobs. 2) You may have squeezed your feet into a size smaller Louboutin pre bump but now you aint even getting those pigs trotters into your larger sizes! 3) Fashion in 9 months has completely changed and that tent you have lived in from Millets over the last 9 months aint going to cut it anymore…. Time to address the wardrobe. Mmmm hour later and 10 outfits its safe to say that not only are things a bit tighter but also so not in fashion anymore. Time for a wee shop.. Off I toddle.

4 hours later I return with a new toothbrush, new outfit for the baby, some great new crisps that were on offer and a couple of Xmas pressies. Common how am I going to wear that? Decide a bath an option to chill out. Slip into bath, get book out, ah nice. Remember to check out if any de-fluffing required (gals you know what I mean) not that I would ever do anything on a first date but always nice to make sure things still in tact, and hey its been nine months since I saw my feet let alone checked everything out!! Safe to say all good – thank the lord for the wonders of Laser treatment…

So time to address the wardrobe situation again. Im feeling since its Missoni and George Street that I am gonna have to make the effort. Leggings and long top not going to cut it.. So I lay out all my dresses (and theres a lot) on the bed and start going through them. Now there are not many things I miss HIM for but this was trully his speciality! On nights out I would go through my whole wardrobe and he would sit on the bed for hours saying yes, no, maybe, try with this, change shoes etc. It was like having your best girlfriend there. Im realising that that and sex is pretty much all I miss him for. So I try each and every one on and each one worst than the last – gosh this pregnancy extra weight has really taken its toll… I am almost contemplating the leggings and top combo at this point when out of the corner of my eye I see a nice dress hanging on the hanger that I have never had on. It’s the Monsoon number that I bought earlier in the year when I was off out to a Celidh with Aisha and Rob – oooh that would be good. Take it out, remember how lovely it is, put it on. Now at this point desperation has reached new heights and I am now determined to wear this bloody dress. If I say the words “Side Zip”, does this install fear in any other female or is it just me? God created side zips to get back at woman I tell ya. So to the males out there let me explain. To get a dress on with a side zip you have to be versed in the art of flesh origami! So you put it on over your head, I then have to hoist my boobs over to one side to tuck them in and keep in place which in reality leaves one hand free. All fine I hear you say. However, what God also did with side zips was to ensure that to get them zipped up you have to hold the bottom of the zip whilst using another hand to pull the zip up. Now I know Im accountant but three into 2 just does not go very well. Unless you are born with 3 hands this is not an option.! So I struggle for half an hour, no joy. Really running out of options now as need to leave in 20 mins. Fuck what am I going to do??? Frantically look about the room and ponder my options. Change? - no good as tried every other item on. Call for help? - who there is no one here. Call off date? - couldn't do that as it's not good to do 20 mins before the date is due to start. Get one of friends to come and help? - Yes perfect! Then I assess the geographical split of that and realise closest one to me is like a 20 min drive away! Dam

Then it clicks - my ex husband. He lives 2 mins up the road from me - I know I will call him.. and I trully can't believe I actually did it!

So me - "hey how are you?"
Him - "good - you?"
Me - "really good but I was wondering if I could ask you for some help"
Him - "sure what's up"
Me - "well I am sure this is probably the strangest thing I am ever going to ask you in life but could you come down the hill and zip me into my dress"
Him - "sorry must be a bad line, I thought I heard you ask if I could zip you into your dress"
Me - "eh you heard correct"
Him - "are you out on a date tonight?"
Me - "eh yeah"
Him - "so you are asking me as your ex to zip you into a dress to go on a date?"
Me - "I am hopeful yes"
Him - "Ok but I cant believe you asking this"

Bless 5 mins later he turns up and zips me into dress. I swear it was singly the most bizarre thing I have ever had to do!!!

Anyhow look in mirror and pregnancy shape not looking too shabby! Grab a killer pair of heels and I am out the door feeling quite respectible I have to say!

So Taxi to hotel Missoni, time for last ditch at lip gloss and touch up of the make up - quite pleased with how I am looking for a change. Taxi pulls up outside the hotel, recognise him standing outside (not from his naked post I hasten to add!) so thinking right hun tummy in, boobs out, shoulders back. The biggest downfall in applying all these tricks is that I forgot about new shoes. Which girls you will know new shoes which have been unscored before wearing (art of scuffing the soles guys) can be disasterous and true to style as fate would have it whilst Im busy fluffing up and pouting I open the door and the dreaded new shoe syndrome kicks in. I fall out the taxi - yes thats right OUT the taxi. Not a single drink, nothing. Once again dress up in the air, bridget jones's on display.... How bloody embarrassing. He comes over and helps me up!! Run for the hills!

As he picks me up, (thank god for Estee Lauder double wear make-up I tell ya, could not see my red cheeks through it) I look up to see this man is wearing shades, yes full on shades. Ok ok I hear you all saying well so what, let me tell you 8pm in Edinburgh in any months after August means pitch black darkness.! Ok so maybe an eyebrown wax has gone wrong? (he certainly seems the type) or maybe a black eye? Or maybe even just one eye? The options are endless. I find myself consumed by curiosity. Im sure its only an oversight (no pun intended) on his part so I will go with it. Surely he will take them off when we get into the bar.

So lovely bar, I'll have a cocktail thanks. Nice Cosmopolitan, good choice. Chat starts quite amicably then all of a sudden he is like oh its my friends wedding tomorrow - do you have plans? yes of course I have plans... Oh "what are your plans he asks that you cant make this wedding" eh ahem I have just met you half an hour ago so even if I didnt have plans I certainly wouldnt be agreeing to go to a wedding! Instead I fumble with some incoherent response! Anyhow time to head to the Livingroom for dinner. Surely in the taxi the shades are coming off - nope!

Get to restaurant, table booked for 8.30 (its 8.20 at this point) Now for me half the joy of being out is not just about getting to table, eating and leaving, I love the whole being out chilling out with a drink etc. Oh no think again. Already (still wearing shades I have to add) he's up at the maitre d querying when table will be ready. "5 mins sir"

I swear at 4 mins and 59 secs (was that exact as he checked his phone that often) he was up again. I said "look lets just chill, we are in no hurry" his response came "sorry but these people need to understand when a booking is a booking" Again alarm bells in head shouting to me Run Forest Run - do I? No! of course not! Christ one thing you should have learned about me by now is that I am a complete and utter woose and hate upsetting people! So I stick it out. By this point he's decided that I must be up for a snog or even more. SO he comes back to the bar and rams his tongue down my throat! "I beg your pardon" I shout at him. "what dont you fancy me? every other female in here is staring at me - I could have anyone in here"..... I mutter under my breath "wish they bloody would"

Table called

I swear I ate a 2 course meal in 34 mins to be exact. Time to dig in bag for indigestion tablets!

"Right common babe" (I mean really Babe I aint!) we're off to meet my friends who are getting married tomorrow. Right enough is enough, find the balls hun - text my friends A&R and say "Olorosso now!"

Lets just say my friend A is no wallflower so on meeting him was instantly like "oh you are super cocky aren't you" and he's like "well yeah I look great, everyone loves me" she's like I think not.. Time seriously now for a sharp exit.

The pair of them bail and are like common hun you are coming with us. He steps in and says "no she's finishing her drink with us first" I swear I downed that drink in one go and left...

Get over yourself man. If he was chocolate I swear he would have eaten himself.

I end up drinking shots and dancing till 4am with my friends which was so more up my street

Fairwell Mr Cocksure - I can now see why you are single!

Still lingering in the back of my head is J's famous words about the saddos over 35. Is that me? Is he thinking the same about me? Do we really just get to an age where we are undateable? Am I in last chance salon now? The overriding question being "Is 35 too old to be dating?" and if not then are we just settling for those that society tossed aside? GULP

I'll end this saga with a quote recently posted to me on facebook from a late 30 single person too - maybe this explains it better?

"why is it a surprise that reality lets us down? You have to remember that we are no longer shopping in Fortnum and Masons any more, we are in Asda at the special offers corner. The tins are all dented and some of the labels have been ripped off. The "Best Before'" are all pre 1990"

Update - next day - text comes in "hey sexy, had a great night last night, would love to meet for a coffee"

I respond (obviously getting some balls) "sorry I don't think we have anything in common so I wouldn't want to waste your time with a coffee. I wish you all the best with your dating"

Response - "ok bitch fuck off then you obviously a player"

Update 2 - email from him 2 days later saying "hi Babe thats me back from Paris, not heard from you for a few days, figured we could be friends"

OMG this man needs professional help!

Date 3 - bring it on!

The Dishy Doc vs Fuck Buddy's

Wednesday 23rd Sept
Off to see the “dishy doc” today. This is my doctor who is my private doc and who I speak with most days and see at least once a month. He was revolutionary to me during the last 6 months and in previous years as well. He’s fab. Apart from being completely lush, he’s such a lovely man. Love going to see him, his chats good, he has a love of shoes (best attribute if you ask me – but then again what man doesn’t have a love of 6 inch heels?) and he just makes me feel amazing. I always leave there feeling on top of the world, he has that ability to make you feel like you are the most important person in his life. Bless. We discuss the dating malarky, I tell him what I have planned for the week ahead as well as my date with Mr Blah. I tell him that the two things I need in life right now are a gay friend (think Gok Wan girls, every one of us needs one of them) and a Fuck Buddy. I’m beginning to think that instead of this dating malarky that may be the way to go. No strings, no hassles just a shag and then out the door afterwards. Some of my friends think I will never be able to do this as I get too emotionally attached. To them I say “no way, its about time I did stay emotionally detached” mmmm must ponder the FB route. So just discussing this very topic with the Dishy Doc when he replies “you know SvK if I wasn’t attached I would be your FB if you would have me!” too bloody right I think to myself but its one of those situations when you are not prepared for that being a response so you just sink into yourself. That’s what I did. I sat there pretending I hadn’t heard what he said and started talking about Lily.. Two golden rules – 1) Never venture on someone’s patch as it were – I have been on that receiving side of someone cheating on my and I wouldn’t wish that on any female. 2) Fuck buddy with a friend means friendship ends. Even if Dishy Doc didn’t meet rule number one then I like him too much as a friend to lose so rule 2 applies as well. Nice though to feel wanted like that though huh? I left the surgery later on with a wee spring in my (need I say it 6 inch YSL heels!) step What happened next was hilarious! There’s me trying to work the room on the way out. Thinking ok I’m a few weeks after having birth, I can suck my stomach in and stride purposefully in these heels. Cool its working – feel great. Next minute that slight wobble in my ankle progresses very fast to a stumble and before I know it I am arse over elbow down full length of myself. Oh dear, not good. Look around sheepishly to a sea of faces with shoulders shaking and can hear the silent laughs…. Get up mortified.. oh well dignity well and trully lost now… Should I give up the shoes I ask myself? Never! Would rather give up Oxygen first! Tell me why is it that woman inflict this amount of pain on themselves to gain what they think is a better looking leg? Answers on a postcard please! Its safe to say after that fall my legs are not looking the best! And lets not even go there with the Bridget Jones pants I am wearing….

Handover of house of hell

Tuesday 22nd Sept
So today I have to hand over the keys to the house I shared with HIM, after Perry’s barn comment last night I am feeling confident about dealing with it all. Think again Puppy! Get to house this morning, OMG its like a bloody floodgate. Doors open and so do the tears. They start coming and they keep on coming. OMG stop please. I sit on the stairs and text my nearest and dearest to tell them not coping. I have about 5 hours to clean this huge house from top to bottom and here I am sitting sobbing. Not great. I waste 1 hour of those 5 sobbing and then realise I am never going to make it in time so I drag my sorry ass up off the stairs and get a move on. Now as you will remember from my previous blog there was the whole story of still having a set of Voldemort’s ladders in the house as well as 2 tv’s in question that he still wants. I swear the fact that his daughter was born a few weeks ago barely touches the side but the fact that I could possibly still have some items belonging to him, god forbid. So true to form, speak with him that day and he announces that he’s coming for the ladders. I say “oh yeah your daughter is doing great thanks” silence. I tell him I have no intention of seeing him at the house so he can come after I have left which should be around 4 o’clock. He says fine I will be there. I then have a brain wave and think actually I will put them in the shed, I call him back to say he can come when he likes as they will be in the shed (which for those not in the know of the layout of my house you can access without coming near me or the house) Great he says I will come later. So I continue bleaching and washing and hoovering. 1pm the doorbell goes, I answer the door to him, can’t believe it. After much discussion he comes in to collect the ladders, he then comes back and does a tour of the house. At this point it’s a bit too much to be in the house with him. I follow him upstairs where he is wondering in and out of each room. He comments that there are some items still in cupboards. Eh well yeah David of course there are but I can’t actually fit anymore into my car. He offers to take it for me!! Eh hello Fuckwit being nice – never a good idea but I’m aware I am running out of time so I accept the offer. Bit like continuing to text Mr Blah from last night, I obviously just cant say no!!! Incindentally Mr Blah has been texting all day with offers of help to move as he just lives round the corner, eh no! (see I can say it)

So off I go letting Voldemort pack up his car and drive to Corstorphine. Thankfully our daughter is not here as don’t know how that would have gone down. Anyhow at new house he comes in to collect one of his TV’s and picture and he is laughing and joking just like we would have done in the old days, makes me slightly sad to think about that so I just shut that down and go into bitch mode again. He leaves and tells me that he finally has accepts that he has another daughter now and that he understands my reasons for keeping her (very considerate of you hun – lol) but says still wants nothing to do with her. Fair enough. He leaves after a hug request and that’s it – gone finally from my life, and I decided there and then that I would never ever contact him again. End of!

Now if only I could be more assertive with Mr Blah huh?? Find myself now logging on to messenger to chat with him and I think I may have agreed to go on a date with him next week…. Aaaarrrrgh – right excuses at the ready. Have a week to think of an excuse.

Meanwhile number of new messages coming in from the “famous” dating site. Quite an interesting one from a guy who is relocating up from London. IT consultant, seems switched on, emails are good, chatty, flirty but not too much (I hate that too – turns me off straight away) his name is Khomo. Not Homo, not Koko, Cola etc. These are the names that Aisha is coming up with for him! So I find myself agreeing to see him on Friday. He is due to move to Edinburgh in a months time and is up here for his friends wedding this weekend. He is staying at the Missoni hotel (good start) so I am meeting him there for drinks first and then off to my local, the Livingroom for dinner. All good so far.

Now how to let Mr Blah down.. mmmmm – Im thinking maybe I could say I had met and got engaged one night? Broke my legs, both? Been diagnosed with a bad disease that was infectious? I’m thinking maybe I go the ignore text route! Good plan Sam. Good girl.

Enter Date 1 - Mr Blah

Meeting is taking place in Morningside – 8pm at CafĂ© Grande. Text my lovely non pc friend A to tell her my whereabouts – always got to do that in case I meet a serial killer and go missing! Get there and am parking my car and some random on the other side of the road is waving at me very enthusiastically. Surely this cannot be my date? As fate would have it, he is… Great. Still polite that I am I continue. Park the car walk over. Now whats the etiquette now? Do you just smile? Do you shake hands? Do you air kiss? Was just pondering what was going to be my signature first move when in he comes for the kill with a huge hug and kiss full on. Slightly taken aback by this and stumble back towards the kerb. Now in 6 inch heels this could be catastrohpic! He grabs a hold of me to stop me falling – brilliant!

So I sit and have coffee. I learn he is 37, two kids, divorced 3 years ago, lives with 2 flat mates. He isn’t actually that bad looking but has something quite not right with his teeth which I just can’t pinpoint. I have a thing about teeth. They need to be right. I could never date someone with bad teeth – hey wait a minute I hear you say I did!! And yes I did. Voldemort had bad teeth, must have just blocked that one out! Conversation all very polite and all that but there is just no spark there. Do you get a spark the first time you meet someone? Please tell me you do otherwise I am in this for the long haul….. So I smile politely and wait until what I think is an acceptable time to stay out on first date is (1 hour in this case) and I leave. Lovely guy, just not for me. Driving down the road and the text comes in to say “hey Sam had a lovely night, would love to see you again” gulp I am so not good at the token response text. So what do I do? Bloody reply saying “hey thanks, I had a nice time too” what a fucking lie! How the hell do I get out of that now?? I’m thinking maybe the texts may die down and it will just peter out. Oh no, it doesn’t, he texts back I respond etc and all of a sudden I have given him my Messenger details. For god’s sake woman get a grip!

Get home, get my jammies on, climb into bed thankful that now in my own sanctuary and no one can take that away from me. The invasion of texts continue.. Note to self “grow a set”

Lights oot!

Let the Dating Commence

Yes you read right Dating – time to get back on the horse as it were. Couple of things to factor in here 1) I haven’t been single since 15! 2) being mid thirties and carrying more baggage than Tesco manufacture each year is not ideal. 3) Body like a road map of Britain..

Whats a girl to do? Join Internet dating of course! So signed up, wrote a profile ,which no matter how many times I read it still sounds nothing like me… Ah well. Let the weirdo’s commence.. and oh boy have they commenced.

Start with a number of emails from guys who are sitting at their PC thinking right I’m emailing everyone on this website. I mean common I know I haven’t had sex in 9 months, that I am just weeks after giving birth and may appear to be slightly desperate but I feel I should update my profile with the comments of “over 60’s with no front teeth who are under five foot 2 need not apply” I started out being very polite emailing back saying “no thanks” but now fuck it, just delete them. Oh how 2009 has made me a bitch….

Couple of interesting characters coming through now though so may be worth a go. Although as my lovely friend J cummunicated to me months ago whilst we were on holiday “gosh all those single people over 35 must be weirdos and have something wrong with them. I mean I pity the poor female that only has that to chose from” eh ahem hun, that’s me… That’s the thing I love about her, never afraid to say it as it is… Gotta love her

So whats the etiquette? I’m learning fast.. There are a couple of key things I have identified

1) There is a certain element of people coming through who are obviously just in it for a Fuck Buddy. Now I am not disputing the joys of a Fuck Buddy, I am myself contemplating this as a possible short term project for a while. Seems to reep a lot of rewards, but sorry if I am going down that route an email which only says “nice tits” is just not going to get me going. DELETE him

2) Next up is the man who is looking for a new wife, probably only weeks after the last one died/divorved/dumped whatever. These tend to talk only about their kids and would I be interested in a coffee at the Soft Play area. Eh, let me think about that – eh no. Now I love my kids to bits, they are my life but there is NO WAY I am introducing them to someone over a coffee first time I meet someone from the Internet.. DELETE

Maybe J’s view on over 35’s could be true? Still I wade through the emails, some responding to some not. And hey how the hell can anyone tell from a thumbnail picture that the guy who looks alright is actually been photoshopped to hell.. Still faith in human nature I narrow down a few people who I think are acceptable and set up some dates for the weeks ahead. Mmmm

In the meantime life continues as is.

Sunday 20th September
Mmm eh step for a hint? How does one get a washing machine out of one house and into the other? Answer call your male friends.. I have to say I am getting pretty close to having no favours left (actually I KNOW I have no favours left) from my friends boyfriends/husbands etc but needs must. I mean common it took me 2 weeks to fathom out how to use it to wash clothes let alone move the bloody thing. There are still things in life I miss a man for!!
Cue text to Homer and R (husband and boyfriends of two of my friends) “eh are you free to move my washing machine tomorrow from Morningside to Corstorphine” response from R, “of course Sweetie” and from P “yup, we need the trailer don’t we?” Excellent, thanks for that boys! So that’s the final thing left on the list really of stuff that needs done to ensure the smooth handover of house keys on Wednesday. I’m quite excited really as once I hand those keys back on Wed its another part of my life with HIM closed out. Cool.

Monday 21st September
So I go back to the old house, been a long time since I have been there. Driving there I am a bit scared and think oh no what if I get upset like the day I left? What if I relive memoryville again? What if what if…. Remarkably I get there and I am ok surprisingly, this is cemented more when P turns up and his opening comments are “Fuck hun it’s a bloody barn now” and I swear I couldn’t have summed it up better. Most of my friends commented at the time when HE left that the whole spirit of the house had left with him. It had been the ultimate party house (disco ball included) and now in the words of P was a fucking barn!

So R turns up next, “hey sweetie where’s this washing machine then” eh out back hun. We all toddle out to utility room. Now common I do consider myself quite with it in life, quite savvy, quite technical at times (hey I can work my iphone that counts doesn’t it?) but when R turns and asks me “have you drained it Sweetie” I have no idea what he is talking about.. eh “how do you do that guys” I ask. P crouches down and points at a little square thing at the bottom of the washing machine which I confess never to have seeing before, and says “this bit here”. Ah I see. They open it and decide between them that the best option is to pull said machine over to back door to drain.. Slight problem there when they try to move it nothing happens. “Have you unplugged this machine hun?” asks P. I just leave the room at that point to the sound of male tutting in the background! So bless them half an hour later the machine is out, on the trailer and being strapped in. I’m now pulling in more favours by asking for chairs to be added onto the trailer too.. Pushing it now. Half an hour later, machine and chairs safely moved to Corstorphine – woo hoo! Thanks guys. So it’s a quick turn around here as agreed to go on the first date with some Internet Bloke… Coffee at 8 o’clock at night – whats that all about??

From Dumped to Dating

So start of a new blog. I’ve decided to start a new one rather than add to the old one as I feel the old one is now over as I have entered a new chapter in my life. Plus the previous one was when I was at an emotional low and I know some people were upset reading some of the stuff on there so decided time for a new positive one!

If you haven’t read the previous one then I will give you a quick (and I mean quick) overview of the last 6 months… I should warn you in advance I am no literary genius, English was my worst subject ever so expect bad grammar, spelling and punctuation! What it is is just an honest account of my dailing ramblings…

So was dumped pretty spectacularily at the end of March 2009 by “he who shall not be named”! Very Harry Potter I know (going to stick with it as it was indeed Harry Potter that brought us together! - again long story see previous blog) but even now saying the name leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. Other versions of his name are “The Turd” (my own personal fave coming courtesy of one of my close male friends) “Fuckwit” (my own endearing term for (and I use this phrase loosely) the man in question. “Sperm Donor” as he gave me my lovely daughter. Anyhow I am sure you are all getting the jist as to my feelings here. Anyhow dumped at 3 months pregnant, no warning nothing, just an exit one day whilst I was at work with a parting comment of “Hope you die whilst giving birth” charm personified huh? Anyhow his exit was a result of his inability to comit to our relationship on the grounds of “I don’t want another child” which really was a cover for “I want to go back to my wife” Now please don’t think I was one of those woman having an affair – I wasn’t, he and I lived together and had lifelong plans, I apparently mucked them up by being pregnant. So off he went, packed his life up in one afternoon and one trip in the convertible that was that. I went through horrendously dark parts of life after that. Questioned can I actually go ahead with this baby? Can I cope on my own? How am I ever going to mend a broken heart? And the biggest thread running through those months – “how can I ever survive without him?” I know I know I can see you all screaming at your keyboard right now but what you don’t understand is that I had a rare medical condition – it was called “gullableitis” and if any of you have ever suffered from this you will be aware that there is no cure! Gullable that maybe he will come back, gullable that you can win him back, gullable as to what you thought your past was! Gullable as to what you did to make him leave. I suffered from this for a number of months… Embarrassing to admit now.

Gosh I did promise to make this part short – not happening is it?! Anyhow cut long story, I cried A LOT, and I mean A LOT, some days it never stopped and I really didn’t know how to pull myself through. As most of my closest friends will testify to I was well and trully broken and yet I still loved this man, how is that bloody possible? It’s simply not (unless you have gullableitis of course) I wont even go into the unspeakable things this man done to me over the last 6 months and the unspeakable torture of working together (thanks Employers for that joy) if you want that info see previous blog. All I can now say is the day that I pushed my daughter out of me was the day that it all turned around and this man vanished from my thoughts as quickly as he came into them. I know I will never be free of him whilst she is here and that all the complicated formalities I now have to go through will keep him at the forefront of my mind, but I am free of him emotionally which is all that matters. So its time to start my new blog, time to get rid of the negativity and start afresh with the positivity. The new blog takes affect now and is:

From Dumped to Dating!



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