Wednesday, 14 October 2009

Let the Dating Commence


Yes you read right Dating – time to get back on the horse as it were. Couple of things to factor in here 1) I haven’t been single since 15! 2) being mid thirties and carrying more baggage than Tesco manufacture each year is not ideal. 3) Body like a road map of Britain..

Whats a girl to do? Join Internet dating of course! So signed up, wrote a profile ,which no matter how many times I read it still sounds nothing like me… Ah well. Let the weirdo’s commence.. and oh boy have they commenced.

Start with a number of emails from guys who are sitting at their PC thinking right I’m emailing everyone on this website. I mean common I know I haven’t had sex in 9 months, that I am just weeks after giving birth and may appear to be slightly desperate but I feel I should update my profile with the comments of “over 60’s with no front teeth who are under five foot 2 need not apply” I started out being very polite emailing back saying “no thanks” but now fuck it, just delete them. Oh how 2009 has made me a bitch….

Couple of interesting characters coming through now though so may be worth a go. Although as my lovely friend J cummunicated to me months ago whilst we were on holiday “gosh all those single people over 35 must be weirdos and have something wrong with them. I mean I pity the poor female that only has that to chose from” eh ahem hun, that’s me… That’s the thing I love about her, never afraid to say it as it is… Gotta love her

So whats the etiquette? I’m learning fast.. There are a couple of key things I have identified

1) There is a certain element of people coming through who are obviously just in it for a Fuck Buddy. Now I am not disputing the joys of a Fuck Buddy, I am myself contemplating this as a possible short term project for a while. Seems to reep a lot of rewards, but sorry if I am going down that route an email which only says “nice tits” is just not going to get me going. DELETE him

2) Next up is the man who is looking for a new wife, probably only weeks after the last one died/divorved/dumped whatever. These tend to talk only about their kids and would I be interested in a coffee at the Soft Play area. Eh, let me think about that – eh no. Now I love my kids to bits, they are my life but there is NO WAY I am introducing them to someone over a coffee first time I meet someone from the Internet.. DELETE

Maybe J’s view on over 35’s could be true? Still I wade through the emails, some responding to some not. And hey how the hell can anyone tell from a thumbnail picture that the guy who looks alright is actually been photoshopped to hell.. Still faith in human nature I narrow down a few people who I think are acceptable and set up some dates for the weeks ahead. Mmmm

In the meantime life continues as is.

Sunday 20th September
Mmm eh step for a hint? How does one get a washing machine out of one house and into the other? Answer call your male friends.. I have to say I am getting pretty close to having no favours left (actually I KNOW I have no favours left) from my friends boyfriends/husbands etc but needs must. I mean common it took me 2 weeks to fathom out how to use it to wash clothes let alone move the bloody thing. There are still things in life I miss a man for!!
Cue text to Homer and R (husband and boyfriends of two of my friends) “eh are you free to move my washing machine tomorrow from Morningside to Corstorphine” response from R, “of course Sweetie” and from P “yup, we need the trailer don’t we?” Excellent, thanks for that boys! So that’s the final thing left on the list really of stuff that needs done to ensure the smooth handover of house keys on Wednesday. I’m quite excited really as once I hand those keys back on Wed its another part of my life with HIM closed out. Cool.

Monday 21st September
So I go back to the old house, been a long time since I have been there. Driving there I am a bit scared and think oh no what if I get upset like the day I left? What if I relive memoryville again? What if what if…. Remarkably I get there and I am ok surprisingly, this is cemented more when P turns up and his opening comments are “Fuck hun it’s a bloody barn now” and I swear I couldn’t have summed it up better. Most of my friends commented at the time when HE left that the whole spirit of the house had left with him. It had been the ultimate party house (disco ball included) and now in the words of P was a fucking barn!

So R turns up next, “hey sweetie where’s this washing machine then” eh out back hun. We all toddle out to utility room. Now common I do consider myself quite with it in life, quite savvy, quite technical at times (hey I can work my iphone that counts doesn’t it?) but when R turns and asks me “have you drained it Sweetie” I have no idea what he is talking about.. eh “how do you do that guys” I ask. P crouches down and points at a little square thing at the bottom of the washing machine which I confess never to have seeing before, and says “this bit here”. Ah I see. They open it and decide between them that the best option is to pull said machine over to back door to drain.. Slight problem there when they try to move it nothing happens. “Have you unplugged this machine hun?” asks P. I just leave the room at that point to the sound of male tutting in the background! So bless them half an hour later the machine is out, on the trailer and being strapped in. I’m now pulling in more favours by asking for chairs to be added onto the trailer too.. Pushing it now. Half an hour later, machine and chairs safely moved to Corstorphine – woo hoo! Thanks guys. So it’s a quick turn around here as agreed to go on the first date with some Internet Bloke… Coffee at 8 o’clock at night – whats that all about??

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