Wednesday, 14 October 2009

Enter Date 2 - Mr Cocksure

Thursday 25th Sept
So Mr Blah would appear to have taken the hint – only had 5 texts today rather than 20 normally! Eh beginning to have a rethink about tomorrows date though. Today he emails to say that it might be good to exchange pictures. I am like well eh look at my profile online it has them on there. Oh no he decides hes going for it and sending me a pic. Ok fair enough. Comes through and hes bloody naked in it. I mean common, would you? Really? Admitedly he does have a fab body but its just not on. I have another friend on the dating scene at the moment and she had a similar pic sent. These guys seem to think that we are so desperate for it that sending a pic of a six pack will get us on the go. Eh am I wrong here? Is this where I am going wrong? Should I be looking at the six pack and thinking right I’m going for it? Christ this dating malarky is a minefield! I can’t even bring myself to respond to it. Now getting slight anxious about date… mmmm another broken leg I fear coming up! Time to just busy myself with lovely darling baby I think!

Friday 26th Sept
Date night number 2.. with the naked picture sending IT consultant. What can we call him – Mr Cocksure!
So there are certain things woman don’t realise after giving birth. 1) that lovely undewear that looked fab nine months ago now does nothing for your milk filled boobs. 2) You may have squeezed your feet into a size smaller Louboutin pre bump but now you aint even getting those pigs trotters into your larger sizes! 3) Fashion in 9 months has completely changed and that tent you have lived in from Millets over the last 9 months aint going to cut it anymore…. Time to address the wardrobe. Mmmm hour later and 10 outfits its safe to say that not only are things a bit tighter but also so not in fashion anymore. Time for a wee shop.. Off I toddle.

4 hours later I return with a new toothbrush, new outfit for the baby, some great new crisps that were on offer and a couple of Xmas pressies. Common how am I going to wear that? Decide a bath an option to chill out. Slip into bath, get book out, ah nice. Remember to check out if any de-fluffing required (gals you know what I mean) not that I would ever do anything on a first date but always nice to make sure things still in tact, and hey its been nine months since I saw my feet let alone checked everything out!! Safe to say all good – thank the lord for the wonders of Laser treatment…

So time to address the wardrobe situation again. Im feeling since its Missoni and George Street that I am gonna have to make the effort. Leggings and long top not going to cut it.. So I lay out all my dresses (and theres a lot) on the bed and start going through them. Now there are not many things I miss HIM for but this was trully his speciality! On nights out I would go through my whole wardrobe and he would sit on the bed for hours saying yes, no, maybe, try with this, change shoes etc. It was like having your best girlfriend there. Im realising that that and sex is pretty much all I miss him for. So I try each and every one on and each one worst than the last – gosh this pregnancy extra weight has really taken its toll… I am almost contemplating the leggings and top combo at this point when out of the corner of my eye I see a nice dress hanging on the hanger that I have never had on. It’s the Monsoon number that I bought earlier in the year when I was off out to a Celidh with Aisha and Rob – oooh that would be good. Take it out, remember how lovely it is, put it on. Now at this point desperation has reached new heights and I am now determined to wear this bloody dress. If I say the words “Side Zip”, does this install fear in any other female or is it just me? God created side zips to get back at woman I tell ya. So to the males out there let me explain. To get a dress on with a side zip you have to be versed in the art of flesh origami! So you put it on over your head, I then have to hoist my boobs over to one side to tuck them in and keep in place which in reality leaves one hand free. All fine I hear you say. However, what God also did with side zips was to ensure that to get them zipped up you have to hold the bottom of the zip whilst using another hand to pull the zip up. Now I know Im accountant but three into 2 just does not go very well. Unless you are born with 3 hands this is not an option.! So I struggle for half an hour, no joy. Really running out of options now as need to leave in 20 mins. Fuck what am I going to do??? Frantically look about the room and ponder my options. Change? - no good as tried every other item on. Call for help? - who there is no one here. Call off date? - couldn't do that as it's not good to do 20 mins before the date is due to start. Get one of friends to come and help? - Yes perfect! Then I assess the geographical split of that and realise closest one to me is like a 20 min drive away! Dam

Then it clicks - my ex husband. He lives 2 mins up the road from me - I know I will call him.. and I trully can't believe I actually did it!

So me - "hey how are you?"
Him - "good - you?"
Me - "really good but I was wondering if I could ask you for some help"
Him - "sure what's up"
Me - "well I am sure this is probably the strangest thing I am ever going to ask you in life but could you come down the hill and zip me into my dress"
Him - "sorry must be a bad line, I thought I heard you ask if I could zip you into your dress"
Me - "eh you heard correct"
Him - "are you out on a date tonight?"
Me - "eh yeah"
Him - "so you are asking me as your ex to zip you into a dress to go on a date?"
Me - "I am hopeful yes"
Him - "Ok but I cant believe you asking this"

Bless 5 mins later he turns up and zips me into dress. I swear it was singly the most bizarre thing I have ever had to do!!!

Anyhow look in mirror and pregnancy shape not looking too shabby! Grab a killer pair of heels and I am out the door feeling quite respectible I have to say!

So Taxi to hotel Missoni, time for last ditch at lip gloss and touch up of the make up - quite pleased with how I am looking for a change. Taxi pulls up outside the hotel, recognise him standing outside (not from his naked post I hasten to add!) so thinking right hun tummy in, boobs out, shoulders back. The biggest downfall in applying all these tricks is that I forgot about new shoes. Which girls you will know new shoes which have been unscored before wearing (art of scuffing the soles guys) can be disasterous and true to style as fate would have it whilst Im busy fluffing up and pouting I open the door and the dreaded new shoe syndrome kicks in. I fall out the taxi - yes thats right OUT the taxi. Not a single drink, nothing. Once again dress up in the air, bridget jones's on display.... How bloody embarrassing. He comes over and helps me up!! Run for the hills!

As he picks me up, (thank god for Estee Lauder double wear make-up I tell ya, could not see my red cheeks through it) I look up to see this man is wearing shades, yes full on shades. Ok ok I hear you all saying well so what, let me tell you 8pm in Edinburgh in any months after August means pitch black darkness.! Ok so maybe an eyebrown wax has gone wrong? (he certainly seems the type) or maybe a black eye? Or maybe even just one eye? The options are endless. I find myself consumed by curiosity. Im sure its only an oversight (no pun intended) on his part so I will go with it. Surely he will take them off when we get into the bar.

So lovely bar, I'll have a cocktail thanks. Nice Cosmopolitan, good choice. Chat starts quite amicably then all of a sudden he is like oh its my friends wedding tomorrow - do you have plans? yes of course I have plans... Oh "what are your plans he asks that you cant make this wedding" eh ahem I have just met you half an hour ago so even if I didnt have plans I certainly wouldnt be agreeing to go to a wedding! Instead I fumble with some incoherent response! Anyhow time to head to the Livingroom for dinner. Surely in the taxi the shades are coming off - nope!

Get to restaurant, table booked for 8.30 (its 8.20 at this point) Now for me half the joy of being out is not just about getting to table, eating and leaving, I love the whole being out chilling out with a drink etc. Oh no think again. Already (still wearing shades I have to add) he's up at the maitre d querying when table will be ready. "5 mins sir"

I swear at 4 mins and 59 secs (was that exact as he checked his phone that often) he was up again. I said "look lets just chill, we are in no hurry" his response came "sorry but these people need to understand when a booking is a booking" Again alarm bells in head shouting to me Run Forest Run - do I? No! of course not! Christ one thing you should have learned about me by now is that I am a complete and utter woose and hate upsetting people! So I stick it out. By this point he's decided that I must be up for a snog or even more. SO he comes back to the bar and rams his tongue down my throat! "I beg your pardon" I shout at him. "what dont you fancy me? every other female in here is staring at me - I could have anyone in here"..... I mutter under my breath "wish they bloody would"

Table called

I swear I ate a 2 course meal in 34 mins to be exact. Time to dig in bag for indigestion tablets!

"Right common babe" (I mean really Babe I aint!) we're off to meet my friends who are getting married tomorrow. Right enough is enough, find the balls hun - text my friends A&R and say "Olorosso now!"

Lets just say my friend A is no wallflower so on meeting him was instantly like "oh you are super cocky aren't you" and he's like "well yeah I look great, everyone loves me" she's like I think not.. Time seriously now for a sharp exit.

The pair of them bail and are like common hun you are coming with us. He steps in and says "no she's finishing her drink with us first" I swear I downed that drink in one go and left...

Get over yourself man. If he was chocolate I swear he would have eaten himself.

I end up drinking shots and dancing till 4am with my friends which was so more up my street

Fairwell Mr Cocksure - I can now see why you are single!

Still lingering in the back of my head is J's famous words about the saddos over 35. Is that me? Is he thinking the same about me? Do we really just get to an age where we are undateable? Am I in last chance salon now? The overriding question being "Is 35 too old to be dating?" and if not then are we just settling for those that society tossed aside? GULP

I'll end this saga with a quote recently posted to me on facebook from a late 30 single person too - maybe this explains it better?

"why is it a surprise that reality lets us down? You have to remember that we are no longer shopping in Fortnum and Masons any more, we are in Asda at the special offers corner. The tins are all dented and some of the labels have been ripped off. The "Best Before'" are all pre 1990"

Update - next day - text comes in "hey sexy, had a great night last night, would love to meet for a coffee"

I respond (obviously getting some balls) "sorry I don't think we have anything in common so I wouldn't want to waste your time with a coffee. I wish you all the best with your dating"

Response - "ok bitch fuck off then you obviously a player"

Update 2 - email from him 2 days later saying "hi Babe thats me back from Paris, not heard from you for a few days, figured we could be friends"

OMG this man needs professional help!

Date 3 - bring it on!

1 comments on "Enter Date 2 - Mr Cocksure"

Courtney said...

i've just found this blog (saw it on your babyandbump sig!) and it is HILARIOUS!! this guy sounds absolutely mental! great writing cant wait to keep reading more :)



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