When is dinner really what's on offer?

I've been thinking a lot recently (need to stop doing that actually!) about when dinner actually does mean dinner. Take last Sunday for example, I invite the LM to my house for dinner when in reality all that was on offer was me! Has "dinner" became the hidden secret code that we use for much more? Is it generally acceptable now that dinner means "stuff eating just get shagging"? Have I missed something along the way? Am I actually giving out the wrong signals? I decide this time I am definately taking myself off the menu and cooking...

There has been much debate this week with my friends as to me seeing LM again tonight. I mean I've already accepted that I can't have a FB, it would appear my emotional make-up does not allow for such self satisfying activities, I get too attached (sigh) but ont he same vane I'm not sure I can be friends with someone I have slept with? Does that make sense? How can you be friends with someone who you want to sleep with but you know you can't sleep with them as you can't be a FB? Gosh even reading that back confuses me - christ knows how you lot are keeping up.

So I drive to his (6pm start) this time I make a point of going into his flat. I think it's important to see someone's abode - tells you a lot about someone. I go in, really nice, not blokish at all, just lovely and warm and friendly feeling. "Do you want the tour" he asks? well yes of course! Get the tour and say to him "ok you ready? lets make a move" so he picks up flowers, wine and a dvd and says these are for you - awwww sweet. We head out. I head for my car, he says he is taking his too - ah ok then - read the signal there then. So we drive to mine, get in and I get the wine on the go. I start to make dinner and he comes in to give me a hand. There's something really sexy about a man helping you with dinner in the kitchen, I like that. So there we are pottering about amicably together, drinking our wine and chatting - it was really lovely. It felt nice... still screaming at myself to stop it.

So I make him (what I think) a lovely meal and he certainly seems to be very pleased with it which is good. We eat all three courses and head through to watch a dvd. Both chilled out - at this point I am on 4 glass of wine - never good for me - makes me do strange things... We get half way through the film and start cuddling in - then comes the discussion on staying over. He's like eh I am going to go home, and I have to say I was a tad gutted at that point, needn't have been as he ended up staying over. Only this time on the agreement that no sex, just sleeping, fine I can go with that - I'm shattered anyway. Get upstairs, climb into bed - this time Im a lot more content with getting undressed and have agreed that I will sleep with my underwear on this time to avoid any "challenges" yeah right - 2 mins in again and it's full on. Gosh he really does have theee most delightful body ever - I just can't get enough of it.... Note to self "control yourself woman"

Anyhow end up falling asleep and I awake about an hour later, total mind racing, I just can't do this, seriously I can't do this. I deserve better than this. I deserve to be a priority not a second resort as he can't get what he wants from this other woman. I decide there and then that this is it - no more. It ends here. I am aware that I could be walking away from the best thing that has happened to me but I am just not going back there. 2009 has made me cold, it has made me untrusting, it has left me with a huge wall around me and I just can't lay myself out there for someone to take advantage of (no pun intended lol!)

So we get up in the morning, have coffee and he is getting ready to leave. "Catch you at work tomorrow then?" and I reply "sorry no, I think we should just leave it at this" "Why" he asks. I tell him I cant have him as a FB and I can't do the friendship thing either" I tell him that I want it all - I want a real relationship, I want the fairytale, I want to be giddy with excitement everytime I see that person, I want to be persued and I want the works - I deserve the works. So he says "what - you are not going to email me, text me, talk to me again" "yup" I respond, "that's right I just can't" He looks at me as if he disbelieves me. Christ does this man not know what I am capable of in life. The ability to shut down and move on is part of my genetic make-up.

So I walk him to the door, he gives me a huge hug for a long time and I enhale that scent that has came to haunt me over the last few weeks and I send him off. I watch him walk down the drive and drive off, I shut the door behind me and exhale, it's over. And do you know what for once in my life I finally know what it feels like to have balls, to have the guts to stand up and be counted. I LIKE IT!

RIP LM - you were fab!

Fraught with "Issues"

So my expectations for the week had been a bit of flirting, bit of sneaky wee glances over the water cooler and tell tales signs of what had happened that Sunday night, I soo got that wrong.

For days I would sit at my desk and blush thinking about what had happened and even when passing him I could tell he was maybe feeling slightly uncomfortable with it. Shame, I really do like him, and I think if I am honest to myself I like him more than I should do. Mmmmm not great.... Right play it cool, play it cool. Not going to email him or text him, I'm gonna be a rules gal.. Couple of days in he emails and I am back to bloody square one! Damn him. This is not how its meant to be when you take a FB is it??

Aaaaarrrggghh

Now he's roped me back in! Now I want to see him again.. Despite the wee voice saying "run forest run" I feel myself being enticed in again.

Why am I setting myself up for a fall again? I can just tell this is what its going to be.. He needs fixed and call in the ultimate fixer there is (thats me by the way) to sort him out. I spent the last 2 years of my life fixing Voldermort only for him to turn round to me and say "thanks hun, you have put me back to where I was 20 years ago and I feel alive again" and eh "oh by the way - see ya!" I don't think I can do that again. I can't be a fixer, I am being very honest here and it's really hard and harsh to say that if you have issues then please leave me alone. I've done it too often - I would like to be fixed for a change!

Anyhow after that Sunday night we had I decide nope I'm going for it. If anything the sex was amazing so that's worth another shot lol.

We agree dinner at mine Sat night. This time I will feed him as on Sunday I didn't - poor guy!

I spend the next couple of days debating a lot of things. The thing with being single is that you have too much time on your hands and it gives you time to really establish what that means for you, time that you may not have thought about when in a relationship. I make a startling realisation that a) I cannot be a FB with this guy as I think I am already too emotionally involved and b) that means I can't be a friend with him either as due to the fact that I am so sexually attracted to him I can't be friends - christ where the hell does that leave me at then!!!??

Onwards and upwards to dinner then - not going to think about it....

Mmmmm really??

Enter the LM

Right so showered (gotta get Mr Ooh La La off my skin) as well obviously as making sure all bits checked lol. Hey a girl has to always be prepared don't we? What if something does happen and your legs haven't been waxed for so long?? Its not acceptable is it? I don't know about the rest of you but having some man run a hand up an unshaven/unwaxed leg has gotta be a huge turn off is it not? I just couldnt have sex if I wasn't "fluff free" eh wait a minute does this mean I am contemplating that? Well of course I am it's the bloody LM after all is it not???!

So I drive to his flat, pick him up, gosh even having him in my car invades my space which is great... it's not putting me off it's making me want him even more... How is that possible. So we get to mine, a little awkward at first as it takes a lot to let someone into my house, it's such a personal space isn't it. Anyhow nothing that some wine won't shake off. I get started on it straight away. "you want a drink hun?" "yes a coke please" eh what the hell. I can't just drink on my own! Eventually he does take a glass and we just sit and chat in the lounge all night. The fire is on, its cosy, it's comfy and it's just lovely. Once again I can't keep my eyes off him. I'm flirting outrageously and he's just not picking up on it. We sit and chat through everything and I learn about a relationship that he started about 4/5 months ago that has only lead to 4 dates in that time. We talk through that and I find myself thinking why the hell am I here talking to a guy that I just want to jump discussing his issues with his last relationship? I realise then that this is never going to be more than a friendship - bummer... :(

Night progresses and all of a sudden it's midnight, "gosh he says it's midnight, I better be going" I was like "ah ok hun you want me to call you a taxi?" "yes please, will go once I finish my wine" all off a sudden it's 1am and he is still here. I find myself saying words that I never thought were possible to say to someone "eh why don't you just stay?" there it is - I've put it out there, I've uttered those words that can either lead to rejection or a good night.... There's a distinct pause and I am screaming at myself inside thinking why the hell did you do that... Still a silent pause. I feel I have to speak up to fill the silence "there's the spare room made up for you hun so no worries there" and yes I have made up the spare room but I have also turned my bedroom into some boudoir for the evening! "eh he responds, well I would like to stay yes but I don't want to sleep in the spare room" cool cool a wee excited butterfly rises in my stomach "well you are more than welcome to sleep in my bed and we can get some sleep as it's late" I was not expecting the response of "No sorry hun but if I sleep in your bed then I am not going to be able to contain myself" Bloody hell at this point I'm like right move your ass upstairs! I respond with a "I promise I will be good" tee hee little did he know that didn't mean what he expected it to mean lol!

Anyhow I switch off all the lights, fire etc downstairs in record breaking time and am practically sprinting up those stairs!!

Get into the room and then reality hits me - shit this is the first time in 11 months that I have been in bed with someone, this is also the first time in the same time as having sex not to mention that I have just had a baby 10 weeks ago. Gulp, what the hell am I doing???? Lets hope the pelvic floor muscles have been doing their job! I must have registered shock on my face as he said "eh I just need to nip to the toilet" off he went and I swear I stripped naked in 5 seconds flat, threw myself under the covers and started to remove my makeup. He came back in and was a bit stunned to see me already in bed. He then progressed to getting undressed, I am sooo starting out the windo rather than looking anywhere near him... Gulp I feel sick, this is a nightmare... why oh why did I ask him to stay.. Shit, I need to deal with this. He climbs into bed, still my gaze is firmly focussed away from him, I take extra long taking my makeup off. eventually I am done, lights go out and I just lie under the covers. The good thing about having a super kingsize four poster is that the ability to have a huge amount of space is a good thing. He turns to my and says goodnight then and gives me a little peck on the cheek, which then turns into a snog which then within minutes is full on passion.. OMG I know this blog is not about sexual antics so I will keep it low key but bloody hell - what a night! seriously!

1 hour sleep before going to work - I am absolutely knackered! lol...

The drought is over... woo hoo

Get to work and have a lot of pain in my stomach and then it clicks - nothing to do with my antics it's from the pure sucking my tummy in all night lol!! too funny!

Embarrassed.com or what though to pass him in the corrider.. Feel like a guiddy teenager with a dirty secret...

Lets see how it goes from here.

OMG where do I begin???

Well I've been fighting through a whole raft of emotions this week and came to the conclusion I'm well and trully a lost cause!

So lets go back to last Sunday. The date with the infamous Frenchman! Conversations leading up to Sunday were getting so good that he actually removed his profile from said dating site as he trully believed we had clicked, in reality I think we did too. One night I spent hours on the phone with him chatting about everything. It was so refreshing to be completely up front about everything and not hold anything back, trully refreshing. Its been a very long time. So the texts and emails and calls continued and I really liked them, really! So Saturday night I had my annual halloween party at home and that went well, bit too well to the extent that I was still up drinking shots at 5am in the morning... thanks to you two boys - you know who you are, you are a bad influence on me. Now there's a lot to be said about going to bed for 6 and leaving your house is a state of chaos, and trust me it was in a real state. I couldnt sleep at that time in the morning, too many things racing through my head. Date 1 - scheduled for 1.30 with Mr Ooh La La, date two with the Lush Monster who I was picking up at 7 at his house. I couldn't decide what I was more excited about, if I could only shift this hangover it would help. So I decide I can't sleep, get up and start tidying. OMG 3 hours in and barely touched the sides.... aaaarrrghhh still need time to prepare for the date. Two of my friends have stayed over and they are wanting to go to that big Golden Arches place for hangover food. So we go there - and I am actually sititng curling my hair in the car as I drive, getting a lot of weird looks, anyhow due to meet Mr Ooh La La at 1.30, there is no way that is going to happen. I call him to tell him running late and he's like "no worries hun just take your time" now on top of being late I did not account for Edinburgh city centre to be soooo busy. 2.30 I am still trying to park my car.. not a good sign, hour late for date - gotta give him ten out of ten for waiting I suppose. Finally get there ten mins later and walk into the bar. My good friend told me recently that within 5 secs alone you can tell if you want to pursue anything further - that 5 sec rule definately applied. As soon as I saw him I knew, I just knew it was going to be the longest date of my life... Nothing there, absolutely nothing.. How the hell can you talk to someone through so many conversations and think this is great and then meet them and no way.!

So we sit have coffee, then another and then I am like sorry I need to leave now. This was about an hour in - he was like "aww really, I am really enjoying your company and want to stay out" I responded with "sorry but I have other plans". "Can we go for a walk" he asks. "sure" I hear some voice respond - was that really mine?? Anyhow we walk down into Princes Street and he keeps on putting his hand on my back and rubbing it and being touchy feely, I am not comfortable with that at all, I try to shrug it off but he is having none of it. "I'm going to my car now" I tell him - "cool I will walk you to there" eh no its fine really! He insists. Great. So he walks me to my car and lingers there. I open the door, he comes round and sticks his head in. No no no please dont try and kiss me - too late he has me pinned against the seat. Now I am sorry but If I tried to kiss someone and they were turning their head away I would take the hint - would you not? Not him, guess he must like the struggle. I am sitting there pinned against the seat lips pursed - there is no bloody way I am opening my mouth, breathing getting slightly more difficult now so I wriggle my head out the way but still he's going for it - take the bloody hint man! At this point I think right I'm going to have to push you off me - put both hands on his chest and push him off me. "are you sure you can't stay out longer" he asks me.. Bloody hell definately not! "no sorry Im leaving" and I try to shut the door, oh no he comes in again. I practically take his nose off as I quickly pull my door shut! quickly into reverse and speed off - eww eww eww eww eww - seriously ewww... Why oh Why oh Why me? What the hell have I done wrong in a past life to deserve any of this... nothing is what... Ewww ewww (have I already said that?) but seriously I just want to get home, stripped naked and jump in the shower and wash off this man who has invaded my space! 2 mins in the text comes in - "hey hun thanks so much for a lovely afternoon, I think you realised there was something in there for me, I would really like to see you again some point this week, I can nip out to yours" Now I have no intention of answering this text on the grounds of a) it aint gonna happen and b) Im driving but oh no 5 mins delay is not stopping him, another text comes in "sorry just read my last text and it was a bit full on but thought I should just tell you that I fancy you rotten" OMG a 40 year old saying I fancy you rotten - christ I have never heard that since I was 15! Is there no end to this... Texts continue all night and you know me by now I am polite I will respond but not until tomorrow.... I have LM to contend with first.... Mmmmmm

Dearie Dearie Me - Really!

Just got this email in says!

"Great pics ;). You are one sexy older woman if you don't mind me saying so! Hopefully hear from you soon :)

Christ I didnt realise that 35 was classed as an older woman! would love to post the picture he sent (he looks about 15 - just checked his profile - he's 20!) but that would be unfair! Lol

Is this really what it has come to!

Checked out his profile - here are some details!

About me.. Hmmm, why don't you ask and find out? Haha. Just on here to talk at the moment, we'll see how it goes...

Apparently need to write more lines! Tempted to put a few jokes in to pad the profile out...... I mean, I'd write about myself, but what's the point in talking to someone if you give your life story here. Defies the point of it all :P.

Dearie dearie me!!!

Men are like bloody buses!! Aaaargggh

So I finally decide right LM is a no go and I although I want to jump him and have a sexathon I'm moving on. Aint waiting on no man.... WOo hoo girl power and all that! Doesn't stop me lusting after him when I see him at work but just realised that its just a lust thing that aint ever going to come to anything.

Soo decide to go through the none scary emails that I have received and a couple of really nice guys in there. Strike up a great conversation with them both, really interesting people. Taking it with a pinch of salt though as you know - been there doen that - thought The Fonz was great conversation - christ look how that turned out...

But we have been emailing and msn a lot and last night progressed to a phone call - god that was nerve racking - why the hell so? I do not know but it just seems hard to talk to someone doesn't it? behind the security of a laptop its soooo much easier. Anyhow all going well, seeing Mr Ooh la la (he's French) on Sunday. Arranging to increase my bloatedness with a coffee so all good, quite looking forward to it.

Walk into work yesteday, head out to get my breakfast at the staff canteen, run into LM on they way there - hes says "Oh hey was meaning to catch up with you - do you want to do dinner Sunday night?" aaaaargggghhh FFS common. Ive given you attention for days (nothing) Ive chatted with you for days (nothing) we've texted and emailed all week (nothing) I become stand offish for a bloody day and this! Now I know I can't turn him down again as the last time I did that he took it personally so I find myself agreeing not only a) to meet him on Sunday but b) to have it at mine!!! what the hell! So not only now am I having to cope with the whole eating thing again but eating and bloody COOKING in my own home!!! aaaarrrgh

Great so Im having two bloody dates on Sunday now. One mid afternoon then I am (get this) picking up the LM at 7.30 and driving him to mines!!

Oh Dear - a recipe for disaster I fear! Oh well... I will behave though and only let LM at my house not Mr Ooh La La - thats a step to far!

Wish me luck!

Please STOP

Subject - "Well"
fancy a coffee then??
could be at yours in an hour lol
willie x

For god sake!!!!

HELP!

Back to the life of a serial dater!

Here we go guys - finally getting round to wading through the emails and see what else is out there. As per usual the world of bizarreness continues....

Here we go for our delightful run just now..

Subject - "Hi"
Hi pretty ,I wanna know u for ever please add my msn 4 chat *******@hotmail.com
Eh yeah right - first mail to send to someone that you want to know them forever?? - DELETE

Subject - "Just wot u r lkng 4"
alrite howz you?
OMG do people in their 40's actually talk like this? No profile picture either - DELETE

Subject - "Crumbs"
5.10?!
tall eh?
lovely as well.............
xx
Are you actuallly meant to reply to this or is it for information only????

Subject - "Lol"
too shy for a hot kiss lol? xx
Is this me or him we are talking about LOL - lol lol lol - I mean common how many times can you say that in one message! Checked out his profile its a nake pic bar a pair of speedos!!! Guys guys guys - written rule, we DO NOT EVER DATE ANYONE IN SPEEDOS!

Subject - "Hi"
Hi sexy,

Your lips are really hot, may be hotter than those of Angelina Jollie (LOL)

Good morning, my name is **** and I live in ***** and would be glad to have a wee chat with you, please reply back!
Too sexual for first email and too pleading at the end! NOPE

Subject - "Ward 00"
Hi Miss amelda Marcos
Is It Green, blue, big black ones shoes ,Today
everybody on this datesite thinks humour is phyicitric
condition what do you think your in finance were
your 2p worth J/bx
I do not have a bloody scooby what any of that means!

Subject - "Good"
Looking good babe, looking good.
Yup I know I am thanks! What the f***?

Subject - "Hi"
Hi there,

I saw your profile and thought I would send you a wee reply, I am 34 year old and live in ********, however, I am prepared to travel, I used to play rugby and have quite a high stamina, I enjoy travel, rugby (obviously) and getting out any way I can.
Travel for what??? Its not exactly far where he is from - not getting a good vibe from this!

Subject - "Hi"
Loved your profile and you look great.

Would love to chat more
His profile is great, he looks nice. This is one I have replied with and will meet.

Subject - "Hi there"
love your photos, please look at my profession,j x
I looked and hyperventilated - he is a Prada Shoe Consultant! OMG he's gotta be worth a chat for shoes alone!!


Gosh how many mails was that and only one really suitable.... Its depressing!

Just had a late contender in - just this second.... could be up there with the best of them!

Subject - "Hi"
..............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................sexy.....sweet.........fantastic xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx get it started xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx it's all good black all blacky xxxxxxxxxxxx
Up 2 u, however n whtever u want! x x x x x x x x
x x am free-style x x x x xx
x xx x x x x
x x x x x
x x x
x
OMFG

The thrill of the challenge? No thanks - had enough!

So Ive been a bit quiet on here as I have been behaving!! and all that means is that I have not been serial dating... My coffee intake has gone down from not being out on so many coffee dates! My waist line getting smaller due to lack of wine for the exact same reason as coffee! but most importantly I was waiting to hear what was happening with the LM before I entered back into the realms of it again. Gosh that must mean I quite like him and yes actually I do...

However it feels like a bit too much like a challenge and a bit too much energy so it's safe to say I think I am bailing... No no no I hear you scream , you can face the challenge but actually I can't be arsed! either someone likes you or they dont - isnt that how it works?

The next day after date with the LM I was feeling quite good going into work. I caught a quick glimpse of him in the morning and he smiled over - theee most amazing smile ever - did I tell you he has theee best teeth I have ever come across...I still was looking at him thinking I just want to rip your clothes off.. He really does do that to me (IM kinda personally struggling with that a bit actually!) never met anyone yet to have that effect. Anyhow he never mentioned anything about the night before, never asked for a re run nothing. We had a little email banter back and forward and that was about it. Was he expecting me to ask him out again is that what he was waiting for? He is a tad quiet and shy so that must be in. I casually mention on one of my emails about meeting up again - he never responded to that part of the email - mmmmm weird that. So I just continued being chatty. Now at this point I really am upping my flirting effort and still not working although he is really chatty he is not picking up on the flirting... God that is making me want him even more.... aaarrrrghhh Men so know how to work you don't they? I'm asking you all out there why is it when they make it hard we want them even more? Why do we want the challenge? Do all woman want the challenge or is it my sick mind? Make it too easy for me and I switch off, make it harder for me and I am in there hook line and sinker! Is this normal? Are all woman designed to want Mr Challenge rather than Mr Blah?

So I have a little quiet word with myself and say right time to just chill and see what happens. The next few days the emails continue all nice and chirpy and upbeat but still no follow up date. What is going on??? Surely by now almost a week later a follow up date would be in the making? Mmmm how do I get to that second date? How do you get there with someone you are starting to realise is super shy? Do I just befriend him and see what happens? Christ I dont need another bloody male friend - I need bloody sex! However he is no FB territory I have learned that form our meet up on the Sunday. Eventually the offer comes of a lunch date for the Sunday. In true style its my birthday weekend and the girls have planned a wee surprise for me which means going away so I have to decline - aaarrrrghhh. And I guess he thinks that I am throwing him the rubber ear so he emails back with a "ah well I guess I will just see you about then" OMG OMG he actually believes I am dissing him. How bloody frustrating.... Now I can't go back and say I promise I have something on as that makes me a psycho. Great now I am going to have to ask him out again... and so do not want to do that - going to distance myself. Yes thats the plan - elusive, out of reach, a challenge myself.

Well that bloody fell at the first hurdle - he texts me Sunday night to ask if I had a good day and to wish me happy birthday. Get into work the next day and there's a birthday card on my desk from him..... aaarrrghhh stop sending me these signals and not follow up on them! Right stuff it - going to ask him out again. Ask him if he wants to meet up Tuesday night. He replies saying he may have his kids that night but will let me know. He then texts and I pick up he really is lacking in self condidence - seriously if you saw this man you would think no way! christ If I had that effect on woman I would be working it I tell ya! Anyhow I spend the night texting him back and forward trying to make him feel better about himself (should I be hearing alarm bells here as this is what happened with Voldermort) but no he's a different kettle of fish altogether. I finally think right I am just going for it. Told him that I found him super lovely and on top of that super attractive and sexy.. Surely that is going to up the game? Nope!

He does reply a lovely response and does call me gorgeous girl in his text (and that does something to my insides at that point - god I do really need to have sex soon or I am going to burst!) but thats it - nothing. aaargghhhh

So I see him today at work and we chat for ages as normal, all smiley, happy and lovely - I DONT WANT THAT!! lol! I want passionate, firey, heat of the moment.... aaaarrrrghhh.... I've decided I am asking him one more time to go out and actually not inviting him out but inviting him to mine for a drink (wink wink) and if nothing comes from that I am hanging up my flirting skills with him and moving on and back to the serial dating!

Wish me luck - going to ask him for something to eat at mines this Sunday after my Halloween party on Sat and thats it.. Deal?

In the meantime started back looking at all the emails of the last week and filtering through them to start back on the coffee and drink meet ups!

Needs must and all that ;)