Wednesday, 2 December 2009

Right time to get back on the horse as it were!

Apoligies for being so quiet on here but things with LM kicked off again and I thought I should honour that obligation as it were first before started serial dating again - wish I hadn't bloody bothered! Wasted 2 weeks valuable time that I could have been out there! Bloody men!

So last week he wore me down and we ended up out at a famous department stores annual xmas party and had a ball. We shopped, we drank, we laughed we really did have a ball. Gosh I really do have a lot of feelings for this guy - but you know when you just know that its not a two way thing? I could tell that was the case, I could tell that he really did want to forget everything that had happened and just be friends. Im quite sad about that but realise that I can't harbour feelings for someone that doesnt feel the same! Hey did that with Voldermort - never again!

So we end up upstairs in the bar at the end of the night and meet my two friends A&R there. We have some cocktails and they seem to love him. They tell me the next day that they were considering inviting him for xmas day dinner at theirs as they liked him that much - aaarghh

Anyhow we walk back to the taxi rank hand in hand and I realise this needs to end, please let it end, please put me out of my misery. He says he has had a ball and a brilliant night and thats when I deal the blow "sorry hun I just can't do this, it needs to end" OMG did he look the saddest he has ever looked, I was gutted. He just stood there and almost cried. I asked him if he was ok he said "no not really" OMG what a cow am I? I find myself backtracking thinking shit how can I hurt this man who is in a lot of pain at the mo and here I am adding to it. I just look at him and he is so sad. I ask him whats up and his reply was "its really sad as after 3 years I finally let someone in and I've let you in and now you want to leave" I just want the ground to open up and swallow me whole. Total moron that I am. Anyhow conversations continue and I end up back at his flat for a coffee (yeah right I hear you all say - coffee wink wink) but trully it was just that. He asked if I wanted to stay, I said yes. I told him that I wouldn't have sex with him and he was fine with that. Climbed into his bed and cuddled in, we talked for ages and it was lovely, why can't this happen I kept on asking myself? But it just wont!! aaarrrgggh

Next morning we were still lying cuddling and talking away, god he is really lush, control yourself woman, control yourself. Nope I can't just take total advantage of him and he is not exactly complaining... aaargggh where the hell do we go from here.....

We agree that he will send me an email at work and if I reply then it means we can remain friends, if I don't its game over. I don't reply initially and he then sends another one which is just heartbreaking to read. Basically that he can't give me what I want (ie a full relationship) but that he is so sad and that I have meant more to him than anyone has in 3 years and that he wants to be friends with me.

I am well and trully head fucked! How can I remain friends with someone who a) I think is lush b) want to sleep with everytime I am with him and c) want to have a relationship with!

I am sure you are not going to have seen the last of my updates on the LM although I am firmly trying to pack him into a small box and bury him away at the back of my mind somewhere deep. Im going to give this friends thing a try and see how it goes - in the meantime I need some action!

I am going to have to just go with it and get myself back out there so thats exactly what I am doing - Ive put myself back out into the dating game and I am stacked up with few dates on the go.....

Including - wait for it - a 27 bloody year old! No way I can do that but Ive agreed -I think I have officially lost my mind!

Tons of emails to post up too will get round to that too to keep you entertained

Breaking news - just had invite from the LM to go out Sunday night to the Xmas markets for some mulled wine - surprise surprise - I said yes - does anyone know where this is going? Please tell me as I am right royally confused! How the hell should I be playing it?

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