A real change in direction then

So received this in my email inbox today - just when you thought you had received it all....

"hey there, not sure if this is your thing or not or if you can be bothered travelling but I wanted to run something past you.I am looking to arrange some fun with a mate on here, strictly NSA, shes also in Edinburgh and would accomodate. Could be fun, would love to hear your thoughts, oh and trust me you both wouldn't dissapointed. By the way her user id is ******* go check her out and see if you would be happy going down on her"

WTF seriously.... Am I giving out the wrong vibes or what?

And no P &R I am NOT doing it... so dont read this and think I am

The bitch is back - bitchier than ever

Oh god where to start. Been involved in a few "episodes" as it were - nothing to right home about. One being "Mr I want to be in a serious relationship with you so can we go exclusive" but Im actually just going to continue to serial date behind your back!!

I mean come on! Really

I am beginning to think that something is not quite right about me lol. I mean I think I look alright, I have a decent life. I think Im pretty good in bed but maybe Im not - maybe Im crap. I think I should get myself a few "technical" books to see if Im doing it right!!

Anyhow I am back and I'm back with avengeance. No more Miss Nice Gal (as if I ever was that) but the shell is even more hardened now and I aint taking no prisoners... So have re-instated dodgy internet dating membership and within 20 mins the mails are bouncing in

Here we go poppets - feast your eyes on this!

Oh dear god

Why oh Why!

Candidate one - age 36, location Turkey
I don't know whether you know that your face so cute and lovely. I want to know you if possible why dont we arrange a holiday in Turkey? Hug you
I responded with " sure yes of course" Why don't I sent you £500 and you can arrange all the flights etc are your end? Really looking forward to meeting you. Maybe we will fall in love and get married and you can come and live in the UK"

Candidate 2 - age 39, Falkirk
hiya howsu. im ...... 39falkikr 6ftbrownhairblueeyz mdbuildsingleguy. wldliketotalk. kanemailpicsletmeknow
Response - I believe PC World are offering a free repair service for broken spacebars, go checkitoutandseewhatheysay

Candidate 3 - age 32, Edin
Hi there, whats your favourite app on your phone
Response - "how to tame your psycho inner self - whats yours?

Candidate 4 - age 34, Edinburgh
Hi shoegal, loved your pics and your height even more... Would love to chat more, if you are interested let me know, if not then my loss but someone elses gain. Good luck

Not replied to him yet but I will, he seemed nice

So there you have it, the dating elite in my in box, great start!

How shocking am I?

So just realised its been 3 weeks since I posted on here - god call myself a blogger huh! Thats outrageous....

It's been a whirlwind 3 weeks I tell ya. Sooo much happened, so much to get through so much dissapointment in the species that is male in this world!

The last time we spoke I was venturing on another outing with the LM to the German Markets here in town - my favourite place at this time of year. Mulled wine, mmmm. So I had arranged to meet him at 7 and made the mistake of going out with R&A for a few drinks at 3pm. I guess I don't need to tell you how slighly tipsy I was when he arrived - looking lush as always I have to say. Anyhow the four of us ended up going to the markets but they were closed, nightmare. So we ended up just going for a drink. The more I see him the more I want him and the harder it is to know that he doesn't think the same. I could tell he was getting slightly uncomfortable as A&R kept on inviting him to nights out they were going to - I felt a bit sorry for him as he did have that look on his face that said "bugger that means I have to see Sam again"

We left earlish and there was no discussion on doing something else it was as fast as he could pack me in a taxi and get me out of there. I knew then finally that that was it. Very sad. The following day confirmed it when I personally myself took the decision to end it. Very sad, great loss but heh ho best all round

Doesnt stop me still lusting after him though - he is trully stunning. I guess it will only ever be a bit eye candy for me in the office now. 2 weeks on and I can safely say I have not gone back there, I have not asked him to do anything, no emails, not texts. Occassionally when I pass his desk he gets up for a wee chat and thats really lovely but thats all it is now.

Finally over

:(

Hey its nearly 2010 so time to look up not down. I wonder what 2010 will bring as a dating year. Not sure, it definately cant be any worse than what I have had. Can it?

Meantime there is still a lot happening this side of the year to keep you up to date with.

My new year resolution by the way is to focus on my blog!

Right time to get back on the horse as it were!

Apoligies for being so quiet on here but things with LM kicked off again and I thought I should honour that obligation as it were first before started serial dating again - wish I hadn't bloody bothered! Wasted 2 weeks valuable time that I could have been out there! Bloody men!

So last week he wore me down and we ended up out at a famous department stores annual xmas party and had a ball. We shopped, we drank, we laughed we really did have a ball. Gosh I really do have a lot of feelings for this guy - but you know when you just know that its not a two way thing? I could tell that was the case, I could tell that he really did want to forget everything that had happened and just be friends. Im quite sad about that but realise that I can't harbour feelings for someone that doesnt feel the same! Hey did that with Voldermort - never again!

So we end up upstairs in the bar at the end of the night and meet my two friends A&R there. We have some cocktails and they seem to love him. They tell me the next day that they were considering inviting him for xmas day dinner at theirs as they liked him that much - aaarghh

Anyhow we walk back to the taxi rank hand in hand and I realise this needs to end, please let it end, please put me out of my misery. He says he has had a ball and a brilliant night and thats when I deal the blow "sorry hun I just can't do this, it needs to end" OMG did he look the saddest he has ever looked, I was gutted. He just stood there and almost cried. I asked him if he was ok he said "no not really" OMG what a cow am I? I find myself backtracking thinking shit how can I hurt this man who is in a lot of pain at the mo and here I am adding to it. I just look at him and he is so sad. I ask him whats up and his reply was "its really sad as after 3 years I finally let someone in and I've let you in and now you want to leave" I just want the ground to open up and swallow me whole. Total moron that I am. Anyhow conversations continue and I end up back at his flat for a coffee (yeah right I hear you all say - coffee wink wink) but trully it was just that. He asked if I wanted to stay, I said yes. I told him that I wouldn't have sex with him and he was fine with that. Climbed into his bed and cuddled in, we talked for ages and it was lovely, why can't this happen I kept on asking myself? But it just wont!! aaarrrgggh

Next morning we were still lying cuddling and talking away, god he is really lush, control yourself woman, control yourself. Nope I can't just take total advantage of him and he is not exactly complaining... aaargggh where the hell do we go from here.....

We agree that he will send me an email at work and if I reply then it means we can remain friends, if I don't its game over. I don't reply initially and he then sends another one which is just heartbreaking to read. Basically that he can't give me what I want (ie a full relationship) but that he is so sad and that I have meant more to him than anyone has in 3 years and that he wants to be friends with me.

I am well and trully head fucked! How can I remain friends with someone who a) I think is lush b) want to sleep with everytime I am with him and c) want to have a relationship with!

I am sure you are not going to have seen the last of my updates on the LM although I am firmly trying to pack him into a small box and bury him away at the back of my mind somewhere deep. Im going to give this friends thing a try and see how it goes - in the meantime I need some action!

I am going to have to just go with it and get myself back out there so thats exactly what I am doing - Ive put myself back out into the dating game and I am stacked up with few dates on the go.....

Including - wait for it - a 27 bloody year old! No way I can do that but Ive agreed -I think I have officially lost my mind!

Tons of emails to post up too will get round to that too to keep you entertained

Breaking news - just had invite from the LM to go out Sunday night to the Xmas markets for some mulled wine - surprise surprise - I said yes - does anyone know where this is going? Please tell me as I am right royally confused! How the hell should I be playing it?

When is dinner really what's on offer?

I've been thinking a lot recently (need to stop doing that actually!) about when dinner actually does mean dinner. Take last Sunday for example, I invite the LM to my house for dinner when in reality all that was on offer was me! Has "dinner" became the hidden secret code that we use for much more? Is it generally acceptable now that dinner means "stuff eating just get shagging"? Have I missed something along the way? Am I actually giving out the wrong signals? I decide this time I am definately taking myself off the menu and cooking...

There has been much debate this week with my friends as to me seeing LM again tonight. I mean I've already accepted that I can't have a FB, it would appear my emotional make-up does not allow for such self satisfying activities, I get too attached (sigh) but ont he same vane I'm not sure I can be friends with someone I have slept with? Does that make sense? How can you be friends with someone who you want to sleep with but you know you can't sleep with them as you can't be a FB? Gosh even reading that back confuses me - christ knows how you lot are keeping up.

So I drive to his (6pm start) this time I make a point of going into his flat. I think it's important to see someone's abode - tells you a lot about someone. I go in, really nice, not blokish at all, just lovely and warm and friendly feeling. "Do you want the tour" he asks? well yes of course! Get the tour and say to him "ok you ready? lets make a move" so he picks up flowers, wine and a dvd and says these are for you - awwww sweet. We head out. I head for my car, he says he is taking his too - ah ok then - read the signal there then. So we drive to mine, get in and I get the wine on the go. I start to make dinner and he comes in to give me a hand. There's something really sexy about a man helping you with dinner in the kitchen, I like that. So there we are pottering about amicably together, drinking our wine and chatting - it was really lovely. It felt nice... still screaming at myself to stop it.

So I make him (what I think) a lovely meal and he certainly seems to be very pleased with it which is good. We eat all three courses and head through to watch a dvd. Both chilled out - at this point I am on 4 glass of wine - never good for me - makes me do strange things... We get half way through the film and start cuddling in - then comes the discussion on staying over. He's like eh I am going to go home, and I have to say I was a tad gutted at that point, needn't have been as he ended up staying over. Only this time on the agreement that no sex, just sleeping, fine I can go with that - I'm shattered anyway. Get upstairs, climb into bed - this time Im a lot more content with getting undressed and have agreed that I will sleep with my underwear on this time to avoid any "challenges" yeah right - 2 mins in again and it's full on. Gosh he really does have theee most delightful body ever - I just can't get enough of it.... Note to self "control yourself woman"

Anyhow end up falling asleep and I awake about an hour later, total mind racing, I just can't do this, seriously I can't do this. I deserve better than this. I deserve to be a priority not a second resort as he can't get what he wants from this other woman. I decide there and then that this is it - no more. It ends here. I am aware that I could be walking away from the best thing that has happened to me but I am just not going back there. 2009 has made me cold, it has made me untrusting, it has left me with a huge wall around me and I just can't lay myself out there for someone to take advantage of (no pun intended lol!)

So we get up in the morning, have coffee and he is getting ready to leave. "Catch you at work tomorrow then?" and I reply "sorry no, I think we should just leave it at this" "Why" he asks. I tell him I cant have him as a FB and I can't do the friendship thing either" I tell him that I want it all - I want a real relationship, I want the fairytale, I want to be giddy with excitement everytime I see that person, I want to be persued and I want the works - I deserve the works. So he says "what - you are not going to email me, text me, talk to me again" "yup" I respond, "that's right I just can't" He looks at me as if he disbelieves me. Christ does this man not know what I am capable of in life. The ability to shut down and move on is part of my genetic make-up.

So I walk him to the door, he gives me a huge hug for a long time and I enhale that scent that has came to haunt me over the last few weeks and I send him off. I watch him walk down the drive and drive off, I shut the door behind me and exhale, it's over. And do you know what for once in my life I finally know what it feels like to have balls, to have the guts to stand up and be counted. I LIKE IT!

RIP LM - you were fab!

Fraught with "Issues"

So my expectations for the week had been a bit of flirting, bit of sneaky wee glances over the water cooler and tell tales signs of what had happened that Sunday night, I soo got that wrong.

For days I would sit at my desk and blush thinking about what had happened and even when passing him I could tell he was maybe feeling slightly uncomfortable with it. Shame, I really do like him, and I think if I am honest to myself I like him more than I should do. Mmmmm not great.... Right play it cool, play it cool. Not going to email him or text him, I'm gonna be a rules gal.. Couple of days in he emails and I am back to bloody square one! Damn him. This is not how its meant to be when you take a FB is it??

Aaaaarrrggghh

Now he's roped me back in! Now I want to see him again.. Despite the wee voice saying "run forest run" I feel myself being enticed in again.

Why am I setting myself up for a fall again? I can just tell this is what its going to be.. He needs fixed and call in the ultimate fixer there is (thats me by the way) to sort him out. I spent the last 2 years of my life fixing Voldermort only for him to turn round to me and say "thanks hun, you have put me back to where I was 20 years ago and I feel alive again" and eh "oh by the way - see ya!" I don't think I can do that again. I can't be a fixer, I am being very honest here and it's really hard and harsh to say that if you have issues then please leave me alone. I've done it too often - I would like to be fixed for a change!

Anyhow after that Sunday night we had I decide nope I'm going for it. If anything the sex was amazing so that's worth another shot lol.

We agree dinner at mine Sat night. This time I will feed him as on Sunday I didn't - poor guy!

I spend the next couple of days debating a lot of things. The thing with being single is that you have too much time on your hands and it gives you time to really establish what that means for you, time that you may not have thought about when in a relationship. I make a startling realisation that a) I cannot be a FB with this guy as I think I am already too emotionally involved and b) that means I can't be a friend with him either as due to the fact that I am so sexually attracted to him I can't be friends - christ where the hell does that leave me at then!!!??

Onwards and upwards to dinner then - not going to think about it....

Mmmmm really??

Enter the LM

Right so showered (gotta get Mr Ooh La La off my skin) as well obviously as making sure all bits checked lol. Hey a girl has to always be prepared don't we? What if something does happen and your legs haven't been waxed for so long?? Its not acceptable is it? I don't know about the rest of you but having some man run a hand up an unshaven/unwaxed leg has gotta be a huge turn off is it not? I just couldnt have sex if I wasn't "fluff free" eh wait a minute does this mean I am contemplating that? Well of course I am it's the bloody LM after all is it not???!

So I drive to his flat, pick him up, gosh even having him in my car invades my space which is great... it's not putting me off it's making me want him even more... How is that possible. So we get to mine, a little awkward at first as it takes a lot to let someone into my house, it's such a personal space isn't it. Anyhow nothing that some wine won't shake off. I get started on it straight away. "you want a drink hun?" "yes a coke please" eh what the hell. I can't just drink on my own! Eventually he does take a glass and we just sit and chat in the lounge all night. The fire is on, its cosy, it's comfy and it's just lovely. Once again I can't keep my eyes off him. I'm flirting outrageously and he's just not picking up on it. We sit and chat through everything and I learn about a relationship that he started about 4/5 months ago that has only lead to 4 dates in that time. We talk through that and I find myself thinking why the hell am I here talking to a guy that I just want to jump discussing his issues with his last relationship? I realise then that this is never going to be more than a friendship - bummer... :(

Night progresses and all of a sudden it's midnight, "gosh he says it's midnight, I better be going" I was like "ah ok hun you want me to call you a taxi?" "yes please, will go once I finish my wine" all off a sudden it's 1am and he is still here. I find myself saying words that I never thought were possible to say to someone "eh why don't you just stay?" there it is - I've put it out there, I've uttered those words that can either lead to rejection or a good night.... There's a distinct pause and I am screaming at myself inside thinking why the hell did you do that... Still a silent pause. I feel I have to speak up to fill the silence "there's the spare room made up for you hun so no worries there" and yes I have made up the spare room but I have also turned my bedroom into some boudoir for the evening! "eh he responds, well I would like to stay yes but I don't want to sleep in the spare room" cool cool a wee excited butterfly rises in my stomach "well you are more than welcome to sleep in my bed and we can get some sleep as it's late" I was not expecting the response of "No sorry hun but if I sleep in your bed then I am not going to be able to contain myself" Bloody hell at this point I'm like right move your ass upstairs! I respond with a "I promise I will be good" tee hee little did he know that didn't mean what he expected it to mean lol!

Anyhow I switch off all the lights, fire etc downstairs in record breaking time and am practically sprinting up those stairs!!

Get into the room and then reality hits me - shit this is the first time in 11 months that I have been in bed with someone, this is also the first time in the same time as having sex not to mention that I have just had a baby 10 weeks ago. Gulp, what the hell am I doing???? Lets hope the pelvic floor muscles have been doing their job! I must have registered shock on my face as he said "eh I just need to nip to the toilet" off he went and I swear I stripped naked in 5 seconds flat, threw myself under the covers and started to remove my makeup. He came back in and was a bit stunned to see me already in bed. He then progressed to getting undressed, I am sooo starting out the windo rather than looking anywhere near him... Gulp I feel sick, this is a nightmare... why oh why did I ask him to stay.. Shit, I need to deal with this. He climbs into bed, still my gaze is firmly focussed away from him, I take extra long taking my makeup off. eventually I am done, lights go out and I just lie under the covers. The good thing about having a super kingsize four poster is that the ability to have a huge amount of space is a good thing. He turns to my and says goodnight then and gives me a little peck on the cheek, which then turns into a snog which then within minutes is full on passion.. OMG I know this blog is not about sexual antics so I will keep it low key but bloody hell - what a night! seriously!

1 hour sleep before going to work - I am absolutely knackered! lol...

The drought is over... woo hoo

Get to work and have a lot of pain in my stomach and then it clicks - nothing to do with my antics it's from the pure sucking my tummy in all night lol!! too funny!

Embarrassed.com or what though to pass him in the corrider.. Feel like a guiddy teenager with a dirty secret...

Lets see how it goes from here.

OMG where do I begin???

Well I've been fighting through a whole raft of emotions this week and came to the conclusion I'm well and trully a lost cause!

So lets go back to last Sunday. The date with the infamous Frenchman! Conversations leading up to Sunday were getting so good that he actually removed his profile from said dating site as he trully believed we had clicked, in reality I think we did too. One night I spent hours on the phone with him chatting about everything. It was so refreshing to be completely up front about everything and not hold anything back, trully refreshing. Its been a very long time. So the texts and emails and calls continued and I really liked them, really! So Saturday night I had my annual halloween party at home and that went well, bit too well to the extent that I was still up drinking shots at 5am in the morning... thanks to you two boys - you know who you are, you are a bad influence on me. Now there's a lot to be said about going to bed for 6 and leaving your house is a state of chaos, and trust me it was in a real state. I couldnt sleep at that time in the morning, too many things racing through my head. Date 1 - scheduled for 1.30 with Mr Ooh La La, date two with the Lush Monster who I was picking up at 7 at his house. I couldn't decide what I was more excited about, if I could only shift this hangover it would help. So I decide I can't sleep, get up and start tidying. OMG 3 hours in and barely touched the sides.... aaaarrrghhh still need time to prepare for the date. Two of my friends have stayed over and they are wanting to go to that big Golden Arches place for hangover food. So we go there - and I am actually sititng curling my hair in the car as I drive, getting a lot of weird looks, anyhow due to meet Mr Ooh La La at 1.30, there is no way that is going to happen. I call him to tell him running late and he's like "no worries hun just take your time" now on top of being late I did not account for Edinburgh city centre to be soooo busy. 2.30 I am still trying to park my car.. not a good sign, hour late for date - gotta give him ten out of ten for waiting I suppose. Finally get there ten mins later and walk into the bar. My good friend told me recently that within 5 secs alone you can tell if you want to pursue anything further - that 5 sec rule definately applied. As soon as I saw him I knew, I just knew it was going to be the longest date of my life... Nothing there, absolutely nothing.. How the hell can you talk to someone through so many conversations and think this is great and then meet them and no way.!

So we sit have coffee, then another and then I am like sorry I need to leave now. This was about an hour in - he was like "aww really, I am really enjoying your company and want to stay out" I responded with "sorry but I have other plans". "Can we go for a walk" he asks. "sure" I hear some voice respond - was that really mine?? Anyhow we walk down into Princes Street and he keeps on putting his hand on my back and rubbing it and being touchy feely, I am not comfortable with that at all, I try to shrug it off but he is having none of it. "I'm going to my car now" I tell him - "cool I will walk you to there" eh no its fine really! He insists. Great. So he walks me to my car and lingers there. I open the door, he comes round and sticks his head in. No no no please dont try and kiss me - too late he has me pinned against the seat. Now I am sorry but If I tried to kiss someone and they were turning their head away I would take the hint - would you not? Not him, guess he must like the struggle. I am sitting there pinned against the seat lips pursed - there is no bloody way I am opening my mouth, breathing getting slightly more difficult now so I wriggle my head out the way but still he's going for it - take the bloody hint man! At this point I think right I'm going to have to push you off me - put both hands on his chest and push him off me. "are you sure you can't stay out longer" he asks me.. Bloody hell definately not! "no sorry Im leaving" and I try to shut the door, oh no he comes in again. I practically take his nose off as I quickly pull my door shut! quickly into reverse and speed off - eww eww eww eww eww - seriously ewww... Why oh Why oh Why me? What the hell have I done wrong in a past life to deserve any of this... nothing is what... Ewww ewww (have I already said that?) but seriously I just want to get home, stripped naked and jump in the shower and wash off this man who has invaded my space! 2 mins in the text comes in - "hey hun thanks so much for a lovely afternoon, I think you realised there was something in there for me, I would really like to see you again some point this week, I can nip out to yours" Now I have no intention of answering this text on the grounds of a) it aint gonna happen and b) Im driving but oh no 5 mins delay is not stopping him, another text comes in "sorry just read my last text and it was a bit full on but thought I should just tell you that I fancy you rotten" OMG a 40 year old saying I fancy you rotten - christ I have never heard that since I was 15! Is there no end to this... Texts continue all night and you know me by now I am polite I will respond but not until tomorrow.... I have LM to contend with first.... Mmmmmm

Dearie Dearie Me - Really!

Just got this email in says!

"Great pics ;). You are one sexy older woman if you don't mind me saying so! Hopefully hear from you soon :)

Christ I didnt realise that 35 was classed as an older woman! would love to post the picture he sent (he looks about 15 - just checked his profile - he's 20!) but that would be unfair! Lol

Is this really what it has come to!

Checked out his profile - here are some details!

About me.. Hmmm, why don't you ask and find out? Haha. Just on here to talk at the moment, we'll see how it goes...

Apparently need to write more lines! Tempted to put a few jokes in to pad the profile out...... I mean, I'd write about myself, but what's the point in talking to someone if you give your life story here. Defies the point of it all :P.

Dearie dearie me!!!

Men are like bloody buses!! Aaaargggh

So I finally decide right LM is a no go and I although I want to jump him and have a sexathon I'm moving on. Aint waiting on no man.... WOo hoo girl power and all that! Doesn't stop me lusting after him when I see him at work but just realised that its just a lust thing that aint ever going to come to anything.

Soo decide to go through the none scary emails that I have received and a couple of really nice guys in there. Strike up a great conversation with them both, really interesting people. Taking it with a pinch of salt though as you know - been there doen that - thought The Fonz was great conversation - christ look how that turned out...

But we have been emailing and msn a lot and last night progressed to a phone call - god that was nerve racking - why the hell so? I do not know but it just seems hard to talk to someone doesn't it? behind the security of a laptop its soooo much easier. Anyhow all going well, seeing Mr Ooh la la (he's French) on Sunday. Arranging to increase my bloatedness with a coffee so all good, quite looking forward to it.

Walk into work yesteday, head out to get my breakfast at the staff canteen, run into LM on they way there - hes says "Oh hey was meaning to catch up with you - do you want to do dinner Sunday night?" aaaaargggghhh FFS common. Ive given you attention for days (nothing) Ive chatted with you for days (nothing) we've texted and emailed all week (nothing) I become stand offish for a bloody day and this! Now I know I can't turn him down again as the last time I did that he took it personally so I find myself agreeing not only a) to meet him on Sunday but b) to have it at mine!!! what the hell! So not only now am I having to cope with the whole eating thing again but eating and bloody COOKING in my own home!!! aaaarrrgh

Great so Im having two bloody dates on Sunday now. One mid afternoon then I am (get this) picking up the LM at 7.30 and driving him to mines!!

Oh Dear - a recipe for disaster I fear! Oh well... I will behave though and only let LM at my house not Mr Ooh La La - thats a step to far!

Wish me luck!

Please STOP

Subject - "Well"
fancy a coffee then??
could be at yours in an hour lol
willie x

For god sake!!!!

HELP!

Back to the life of a serial dater!

Here we go guys - finally getting round to wading through the emails and see what else is out there. As per usual the world of bizarreness continues....

Here we go for our delightful run just now..

Subject - "Hi"
Hi pretty ,I wanna know u for ever please add my msn 4 chat *******@hotmail.com
Eh yeah right - first mail to send to someone that you want to know them forever?? - DELETE

Subject - "Just wot u r lkng 4"
alrite howz you?
OMG do people in their 40's actually talk like this? No profile picture either - DELETE

Subject - "Crumbs"
5.10?!
tall eh?
lovely as well.............
xx
Are you actuallly meant to reply to this or is it for information only????

Subject - "Lol"
too shy for a hot kiss lol? xx
Is this me or him we are talking about LOL - lol lol lol - I mean common how many times can you say that in one message! Checked out his profile its a nake pic bar a pair of speedos!!! Guys guys guys - written rule, we DO NOT EVER DATE ANYONE IN SPEEDOS!

Subject - "Hi"
Hi sexy,

Your lips are really hot, may be hotter than those of Angelina Jollie (LOL)

Good morning, my name is **** and I live in ***** and would be glad to have a wee chat with you, please reply back!
Too sexual for first email and too pleading at the end! NOPE

Subject - "Ward 00"
Hi Miss amelda Marcos
Is It Green, blue, big black ones shoes ,Today
everybody on this datesite thinks humour is phyicitric
condition what do you think your in finance were
your 2p worth J/bx
I do not have a bloody scooby what any of that means!

Subject - "Good"
Looking good babe, looking good.
Yup I know I am thanks! What the f***?

Subject - "Hi"
Hi there,

I saw your profile and thought I would send you a wee reply, I am 34 year old and live in ********, however, I am prepared to travel, I used to play rugby and have quite a high stamina, I enjoy travel, rugby (obviously) and getting out any way I can.
Travel for what??? Its not exactly far where he is from - not getting a good vibe from this!

Subject - "Hi"
Loved your profile and you look great.

Would love to chat more
His profile is great, he looks nice. This is one I have replied with and will meet.

Subject - "Hi there"
love your photos, please look at my profession,j x
I looked and hyperventilated - he is a Prada Shoe Consultant! OMG he's gotta be worth a chat for shoes alone!!


Gosh how many mails was that and only one really suitable.... Its depressing!

Just had a late contender in - just this second.... could be up there with the best of them!

Subject - "Hi"
..............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................sexy.....sweet.........fantastic xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx get it started xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx it's all good black all blacky xxxxxxxxxxxx
Up 2 u, however n whtever u want! x x x x x x x x
x x am free-style x x x x xx
x xx x x x x
x x x x x
x x x
x
OMFG

The thrill of the challenge? No thanks - had enough!

So Ive been a bit quiet on here as I have been behaving!! and all that means is that I have not been serial dating... My coffee intake has gone down from not being out on so many coffee dates! My waist line getting smaller due to lack of wine for the exact same reason as coffee! but most importantly I was waiting to hear what was happening with the LM before I entered back into the realms of it again. Gosh that must mean I quite like him and yes actually I do...

However it feels like a bit too much like a challenge and a bit too much energy so it's safe to say I think I am bailing... No no no I hear you scream , you can face the challenge but actually I can't be arsed! either someone likes you or they dont - isnt that how it works?

The next day after date with the LM I was feeling quite good going into work. I caught a quick glimpse of him in the morning and he smiled over - theee most amazing smile ever - did I tell you he has theee best teeth I have ever come across...I still was looking at him thinking I just want to rip your clothes off.. He really does do that to me (IM kinda personally struggling with that a bit actually!) never met anyone yet to have that effect. Anyhow he never mentioned anything about the night before, never asked for a re run nothing. We had a little email banter back and forward and that was about it. Was he expecting me to ask him out again is that what he was waiting for? He is a tad quiet and shy so that must be in. I casually mention on one of my emails about meeting up again - he never responded to that part of the email - mmmmm weird that. So I just continued being chatty. Now at this point I really am upping my flirting effort and still not working although he is really chatty he is not picking up on the flirting... God that is making me want him even more.... aaarrrrghhh Men so know how to work you don't they? I'm asking you all out there why is it when they make it hard we want them even more? Why do we want the challenge? Do all woman want the challenge or is it my sick mind? Make it too easy for me and I switch off, make it harder for me and I am in there hook line and sinker! Is this normal? Are all woman designed to want Mr Challenge rather than Mr Blah?

So I have a little quiet word with myself and say right time to just chill and see what happens. The next few days the emails continue all nice and chirpy and upbeat but still no follow up date. What is going on??? Surely by now almost a week later a follow up date would be in the making? Mmmm how do I get to that second date? How do you get there with someone you are starting to realise is super shy? Do I just befriend him and see what happens? Christ I dont need another bloody male friend - I need bloody sex! However he is no FB territory I have learned that form our meet up on the Sunday. Eventually the offer comes of a lunch date for the Sunday. In true style its my birthday weekend and the girls have planned a wee surprise for me which means going away so I have to decline - aaarrrrghhh. And I guess he thinks that I am throwing him the rubber ear so he emails back with a "ah well I guess I will just see you about then" OMG OMG he actually believes I am dissing him. How bloody frustrating.... Now I can't go back and say I promise I have something on as that makes me a psycho. Great now I am going to have to ask him out again... and so do not want to do that - going to distance myself. Yes thats the plan - elusive, out of reach, a challenge myself.

Well that bloody fell at the first hurdle - he texts me Sunday night to ask if I had a good day and to wish me happy birthday. Get into work the next day and there's a birthday card on my desk from him..... aaarrrghhh stop sending me these signals and not follow up on them! Right stuff it - going to ask him out again. Ask him if he wants to meet up Tuesday night. He replies saying he may have his kids that night but will let me know. He then texts and I pick up he really is lacking in self condidence - seriously if you saw this man you would think no way! christ If I had that effect on woman I would be working it I tell ya! Anyhow I spend the night texting him back and forward trying to make him feel better about himself (should I be hearing alarm bells here as this is what happened with Voldermort) but no he's a different kettle of fish altogether. I finally think right I am just going for it. Told him that I found him super lovely and on top of that super attractive and sexy.. Surely that is going to up the game? Nope!

He does reply a lovely response and does call me gorgeous girl in his text (and that does something to my insides at that point - god I do really need to have sex soon or I am going to burst!) but thats it - nothing. aaargghhhh

So I see him today at work and we chat for ages as normal, all smiley, happy and lovely - I DONT WANT THAT!! lol! I want passionate, firey, heat of the moment.... aaaarrrrghhh.... I've decided I am asking him one more time to go out and actually not inviting him out but inviting him to mine for a drink (wink wink) and if nothing comes from that I am hanging up my flirting skills with him and moving on and back to the serial dating!

Wish me luck - going to ask him for something to eat at mines this Sunday after my Halloween party on Sat and thats it.. Deal?

In the meantime started back looking at all the emails of the last week and filtering through them to start back on the coffee and drink meet ups!

Needs must and all that ;)

Enter the Lush Monster

Well its Sunday, I’m faffing about, been up super early even though date not until 7.30pm – made even worse by the clocks going back – gosh I really do have it bad huh!
 
So need to keep busy, its my friends birthday so I am going to pop out and see her and spend some time there and then come back and get organised. I’ve already commenced operation defluffing (probably been a bit too severe, and hey that’s probably a bit too much information also!) so I am good to go. I have to say I am super nervous. I texted him last night just to confirm everything was still on for tonight and never got a response so hey I may be get stood up anyway….
 
7pm I totter off to the bus stop. Now I use that term in the best possible sense. I live half way up a hill and in killer heels I can tell you walking down a hill is not the easiest. Autumn has taken its toll on Edinburgh already and as I leave the house I can see leaves everywhere. Now I know looking at those clumps of bundles hidden on the path that they are a guise for a bundle of a wet slidy mass that will result in me landing on my arse so I opt to walk down the road. Why do men find the need when they see a female walking down the road to peep their horn and shout something out their window? And the type of men we are talking about here are those that are past their sell by date and would not have a hope in hell! Is it something guys that you are taught at boys school or something? Let me tell you – it does not turn us girls on! Bit like a 70 year old driving a Ferrari! Mid life crisis.
 
Anyhow I manage to get myself to the bus stop (yes I am getting on a bus – credit crunch and all that) money better spent on cocktails than taxi’s I feel, and notice that the next bus not due for another 15 mins. Fine its only 7 o’clock so will still make it on time. Start having a wee surf on my iphone (how did we ever survive in the human race without such equipment) and there’s a guy sitting on the seat in the bus stop. He strikes up a conversation.
 
“Is that the iphone, how you finding it?”
“Great” I reply – “Couldn’t live without it”
“Yes they are really cool aren’t they? Where you off to?” he asks
“eh the Livingroom, what about you?” I reply
“Down Leith to meet my friends” he responds and then adds “I’m feeling a bit tired though and its hard to go out on a Sunday especially after being out all day yesterday”
The chat continues like this, all very pleasant and I can tell he’s flirting with me (guess it really is dark then huh??) anyhow bus comes and the conversation stops, he gets on before me. “Child” please he asks the driver!
 
OMG – surely not! I truly have seen and heard it all!
 
I sit on the bus pissing myself laughing all the way into town….. Christ I could have given birth to this guy!
 
Text comes in from the LM – “hey hun that’s me here, having a drink already, what do you want?” eh you? Is that too obvious lol? “red wine please, LARGE”
 
So I get there, walk in and he’s at the bar. I stand and stare for a few minutes before walking up to him, obviously just taking in the wardrobe choice, I approve… nice jeans and a shirt. Nothing dodgy here, all good to go, I can continue.. Walk up to him, he smells amazing, he gives me a kiss, god I just want to sleep with him there and then! What the hell is wrong with me! Notice that the guy who is serving is the same guy who commented last week that I am never in there with the same guy twice, I try to turn away – nope he’s having none of it. “Hey Sam, how are you? Nice to see you again, and so soon!” I grimace at him… LM comments “Gosh he’s quite friendly isn’t he – do you come here often?” eh “not that much really” Aussie barman retaliates with a “usual tab to be set up then?” I really want the ground to swallow me up… bastard he will pay for that one day…. I mumble something under my breath and say to LM – “shall we find a seat?”
 
Find a nice wee cosy booth and its all dimly lit with candles etc and I find myself strangely just staring at his mouth as he speaks, it’s a lovely mouth and I am imagining all sorts – time to snap out of it…..Must drink more wine… not good though. A few glasses of wine down and I am finally started to relax, he’s really good company. He asks if I want to go through to the restaurant for something to eat. Now I never ever eat in front of someone on a first date – ever! So I’m kinda struggling with an answer to that one but I am really enjoying myself so I say “yes that would be great” Brilliant you moron, how the hell are you going to get through that I am shouting inside my head! Is it just me or is it normal to feel so bad about eating in front of someone you don’t know? I hate it as I worry about dripping food on myself, or for a random piece of food to get stuck in my teeth and your date too polite to point it out, or even worse a crusty bit letft over on the side of your mouth, which again your date is too polite/scared whatever to tell you. Bloody great – I’ve only gone and done it now.  Strangely enough its not bothering me, mmm why is that? So we head through to the restaurant and I am drinking more and more wine. It’s starting to take its effect. Now normally drink make me more likely to want to jump someone but its having the opposite effect here – what the hell is that all about? Mind is slightly confused now. What is happening here?
 
So we eat dinner, share a pudding, what the hell???!!! Fighting over the last bit too, Christ this is bad… and then go back to the bar afterwards. I am really enjoying myself. After everything that has happened over the last couple of years and all the disasterous dates of late I am thinking I actually feel normal! I feel like I’ve moved on and I am just a normal girl, out here having a normal night out – it feels great!
 
We sit there until the bar closes and we are literally thrown out. We go outside and there is no “do you want to come back to mine?” from either of us, there is no awkwardness nothing. We both just hail taxis and I get in mine and him into his and head home. Great night. I text him to say I had a really good night and thanks for dinner. He texts back saying “me too, really enjoyed myself, sweet dreams, see you at work tomorrow” awwww how sweet. I collapse in bed and fall into a deep sleep.

I am taking a FB

Plucked up the courage – I’m taking a FB!
 
So finally thought right time to get a grip. We are in the year 2009 it is perfectly acceptable to ask someone out. Isn’t it? All my friends seem to tell me so. So decided last Monday that the Lush Monster (LM) who has been taking up most of my thought space, was worth a shout. Even if that meant taking a FB, trust me this LM is defo a FB option – he’s lush! Is it normal to just want to have sex with someone and nothing else? Are my pregnancy hormones just still kicking around? Has the “sexual drought” finally got to me and I am looking through some goggles similar to those of the beer type? Mmm well who cares what it is – I’m doing it, (the asking out that is!) so after an hour or typing the email and having it sit in my draft box I finally hit the send button. Gulp! What then kicked in I did not expect. The “OMG” what if he doesn’t reply? What if he comes back and says “eh actually no I don’t think so” Christ is my confidence taking a dent now or what! Why the hell did I hit the bloody send button now…… aaaargghhhhh – time to escape for an extra shot Latte to calm me…. Aaarrrrrgghh nutter – see it never is acceptable to ask a man out…. Feel like headbutting the desk!! Bloody numpty that I am…… Why do we put ourselves into these situations? Why do we think that everyone of course would want to go on a date with us? Why is it that we think we are irresistible to most men? Christ this has given me a bit of an insight as to how a guy must feel asking us girls out when we have no issues about turning them down straight away! The poor male speccies, we really do put them through it don’t we? Society has taught us that we should sit there pretty waiting to be asked out and when we do, turn them down straight away! I personally find it hard to turn someone down who has asked me out as I feel sorry for them and I would probably end up going out with them through pity but I think I am a rare species. This is more evident when I think of some of my friends and their reason for turning guys down, such as “he turned up on his first date wearing Chinos eww” or “I just didn’t like his shoes” or “he walked with a slight limp” Can you imagine if that was the reason a guy turned us down? We would be outraged. However it appears to be acceptable for us to!
 
Escape for my coffee, muttering and mumbling under my breath! Something from a scene out of Dastardly and Mutley! Get back to my desk and needn’t have worried, there was a wee email back saying “hi there, yes that would be lovely, when are you thinking?” ooooh exciting, wee butterflies in my stomach, reply back “Sunday night” “cool” the reply came back instantly. Oh I’m very excited. So we agree to meet Sunday night at 7.30 at the Livingroom. Evidently I have not learned my lesson about picking another location after my last shenanigans in there…. Oh what a long week it’s going to be. Decided right I am definitely taken a FB. Definately! The girls are already telling me that I do not have the ability in me to
 
Ok ok need to just not focus on this until the Sunday. Time to keep up with the extra emails that have been coming in from our lovely internet sites. I have not responded to ANY of them apart from one. Quite an interesting character. Not of the usual dodgy standard, but hey you never can tell. Anyhow I enter into discussions with him and we chat very easily for a few days. That is at least distracting me  from lustful thoughts of the LM on Sunday! On top of this Mr Blah (date 1 remember – coffee in Morningside) has made a guest appearance on my msn again. He starts the conversation with the “Hey there” line, I respond back.. We start a conversation and he says that although we never clicked as a possibility of a second date he really enjoyed our chats, would I be interested in being friends? And to be fair he did have good chat, so I agree and to be fair its been night and day, its been great chats and I have been speaking with him most days and its all going great on a friendship level. Its not like I need another male friend but hey ho, you can never have too much.
 
Here’s a few more emails to keep you entertained!
 
Subject Line – Impossible.
Hi – I tried to rate your pics but I couldn’t find an 11!
Roy x
OMG how cheesy is that?? 10 is the max rating…
 
Subject Line – Shoes
I love reading, my cooking skills are second to none, apart from the odd TV Chief and my mother.. I have travelled around the world in eighty odd days as well as liking to wear the odd pair of heels. All in all I think I would be worth saying hi to!
Really in your first email would you a) mention your mother and b) mention you occasionally wear heels? It started so well as well
 
Subject Line – Hello x
I like what I see – say hello!
Eh?
 
Subject Line – Hello There
How r u?
So sounds ok until you look at his profile and he’s 67! Now common I am only 34
 
Subject Line – Looking for someone caring
Xxxxx
That’s it – nothing else – I don’t think so
 
Subject Line – Wow
Wow wow wow. Would love to have a chat with such a lovely laaaadyyyy
I can just imagine the way he was speaking when he wrote this – I am thinking Raul from the Irn Bru adverts (google if you don’t know who I am talking about)
 
Subject line – Hey
Hi there. My name is xxxxx, I am a 44 year old from Perth. I have been separated for 18 months and I have 2 children. It is hard going being single with 2 children and trying to fit everything in. I am looking  for someone who will help me out and we can look after them together. I am not looking for short term or one night stands. Serious applicants only!
What the ****. Yeah mate I will just turn up at your house and look after your 2 kids for you… Could these mails get any worse??!!
 
 
 
 

More mails to enter the trash bin

It really is entertaining to come home and think right what do my emails hold for me tonight. I'm thinking that maybe I should have a week off the dating scene and just chill - yes lets do that. Half hour in I'm getting a bit fidgety to check my emails, can't resist.. A wee look can't harm can it? Gosh it doesn't dissapoint does it??

Just wading through them now but though I would show a few extracts!

i am looking for a girlfriend/wife.i want make my girl feel like queen,like goddess.i will do everything for her,i'll work for her,i'll buy her anything she order,i'll do housework always,i'll kiss her feet,i'll be her private slave,i'll obey her,and she have every right to do anything she wants on me,she can punish me,humilate me etc,she is the goddess she decide she has always right.
Someone out on day release I believe!

SEX I LOVE IT
SEX I LOVE IT
SEX I LOVE IT
LOVE RANGERS FOOTBALL CLUB BEEN IN ARMY FOR 12 YEARS
AND I LOVE SEX THAT MUCH
SEX AND MORE SEX
HAVE MY OWN CAR BUT GOING TO CHANGE IT FOR A BMW
I LIKE KILLIN TERRY TALIBAN ITS ALL GOOD FUN
Eh time to visit the doctor for some medication again

Now dont get me wrong - I love it too but I ain't going to post on some random place about it (oops is that not just what I did??)

Anyhow will keep on wading through them all and report back any more dodgy's...

I would like to confirm also that i have taken the intial step to entering the world of FB! Lets see if it works out....

Teddy Boys still exist and someone needs their medication!

Right

So lets start with Mr No 1. Otherwise known as loonytunes!

At my last update I told you about the guy who basically said "don't bother turning up as I won't be there" no benefit of the doubt for my Iphone catastrophy! Anyhow on way to date with Mr No 2 it all kicks off. I just want to publish the whole shenanigans here from the beginning.

Him (original text) "Hi S, just in case you were thinking of turning up tonight ar arranged (unlikely I know). I just thought I would let you know that I won't be there. I hope you find what you are looking for"
Me - "Ok then. My phone fell in the bath yesterday just 5 mins ago got all your messages after buying a new phone. I don't like the way you sent that text so its probably best that you are not turning up"
Him - "I'm realllllly sorry. I emailed you earlier to apologise but thought you were ignoring me. Can you ever forgive me?"

OMG alarm bells going off here so send next email to end it

Me - "I access everything on my phone so no access to my emails, I wasn't ignoring you but better to leave it anyway as your texts and tone make me think it was the right decision not to meet up. Good luck with your search"

Surely thats it! oh no

Phone rings, voicemail. I listen to it all apologetic.. I dont return call

Then

Him - "Please let me buy you dinner to make up for treating you so unfairly. Even if you'd rather it was a one off. I can't bear you thiking badly of me. Im a very nice guy who wouldn't dream of hurting anyone"

Anyone else slightly freaked out by this?? cos I sure as hell am

Me - "Don't feel bad, its ok. No need to buy me dinner or anything for that matter. Good luck in meeting someone"
Him - "No I do feel bad and rightly so. Do you think you could ever give me a second chance?

FFS - this is getting too much. Ive never met this guy and hes acting like I have just walked away from a ten year relationship! seriously come on - Had I sent that type of texts then guys would be running for the hills!

I ignore text

Again - him "please forgive me. I have to say you are the most attractive woman I have ever seen"

Delete!

Him - "I don't suppose I could see you tonight?"
Me - "eh no sorry dont think so, please stop texting"
Him - "go on please, I stayed in all weekend looking forward to our date. I could drive to you and pick you up within the hour and drop you back off home afterwards then you can decide if you want to see me again"
Christ at this point I am thinking i would rather go on a date with Fred West
Me - "again no"
Him - "How about another night? I am out in Edin Tues night and Frid night but free any other night - when suits you? ps do you like red roses"

Seriously come on - I am not answering anymore.. This man has obviously not taken his medication today. Run for the bloody hills.

I am sure I have not heard the end of him - I can just tell....

So all that kicking off before I meet Mr 2 at Cafe Rouge. So I get there, stressed to the max and sit in. Order myself a latte and wait.... Out the corner of my eye I witness a teddy boy standing outside the window peering in. Surely to god, please just not me, please just let me have one date in peace.. oh no, fate not dealing with that. He's mine alright... Comes in sits down and I swear he is a throwback to the 50's. He is wearing a Fonzy jacket straight out of happy days, tshirt and jeans to match and actually has black velvet teddy boy shoes on. Please lord give me strength! I know its been 7 months since I have had any form of relationship and sex for that matter in time but cut me some slack.... I just cant distract from his whole look, people are actually staring at me thinking NO WAY! I almost burn my mouth with the speed at which I drink my latte at and during this time as he chats I notice that he cant hold eye contact, he keeps on looking over my shoulder when talking. On numerous occassions I turn round to look to see if someone is there.... He says "whats up" I am like sorry but I keep on thinking someone is behind me... Final straw comes when the guy sitting next to me at another table goes to the toilet and comes back and he stops him to ask him for the bill..... Time for a sharp exit.... and fast.. Pick up bag, leave and he kisses my face soakingly wet on the cheek ewwww - maybe thats the Fonzy's style!!!

Cobbles and 5 inch heels to the car do not make it easy to run but I break into sprint leaving a trail of dust behind me as I escape to R&A's to down a glass of wine and a rant.... Heaven

Have decided tomorrow I am emailing Mr Mysterious and asking him if wants a FB! Needs must and all that....

Edinburgh - please show me that all is not lost, please show me that 35 and over is not the dregs, please give me some hope that I am not the only normal, decent datee left in this world... The search continues for not Mr Right but Mr NORMAL!

2 become 1 (and no it's not a Spice Girl Song!)

So yesterday I let you know I was going on 2 dates today. Well one is a super keen guy and the other is one that I had a bit of instant email/text click.No 1 booked for 3pm coffee no 2 booked for 4 pm coffee. Thank god I like coffee huh as will no doubt be bouncing off the walls on caffeine later. Anhyow - no 2 was texting in the afternoon yesterday and we were having a right good banter back and forward. As you know from my blog I have issues with short men, well actually I dont have issues, short men have issues with me. So I was winding this guy up asking him if he really was 6 foot 2 as his profile says. He was like "eh no my profile shouldn't say that - Im actually five foot 4" yeah right! then he asks if I have any other "issues" he should know about. I reply saying "cars" so he emails back saying "so if I am five goot 4 and drive a skoda I've pulled" I text back saying "look seriously if that is the case don't bother texting back as I am not interested" (was obviously only teasing) but then what happened next was unbelievable! In complete slow motion my bloody iphone fell in the bath and I couldnt fish it out - dead, dead as a dodo! Bloody great this guy will think I am being serious!! Try to switch it on - it aint working... nothing nada.

I am the middle of getting dressed for going out and J&P ring the doorbell so I have no option but to leave. Leave phone on radiator to dry out!! Needless to say everyone finding it funny when we are out. Bastards!

So this morning I wake up and still no phone - what to do??? I cannot live without my phone..

Cut along story short - lots of flirting in the O2 shop (guys you are sooo easy!) get myself a free upgrade to new phone - brilliant. Text No 2 and explain. He finding it funny so thats all good. Still arrange date (although now having second thoughts as he just called and I spoke to him and eww he doesn't sound nice at all!!) how the hell can someone be fab on texts, emails and sound soooo different - still can't pull out now.

Problem I have now lies with No 1. So was about to text him and explain the same prob as No 2 with the bath story. Get a text saying "eh don't bother turning up today as I won't be there, good luck P x"
What the f?
You are having a laugh. Would a girl ever send that? No! Would we give someone the benefit of the doubt? Yes
I text back explaining the bath situ and explain that "its probably good we not meeting up if your last text has anything to go by" he texts back "soooo sorry, can you ever forgive me?" OMG thats freaking me out and to top that he's now bloody caling me! I am not answering!
Guys guys guys - please think about this. You are portraying what us girls would be classed as nutters for. Why is it acceptable for you to act like a nutter and get away with it but for us we are psycho!

Oh Fuck he's left a voicemail - can't even bear to listen to it. I suppose I should....

Will report back later on No 2 (athough as I said he's not sounding too great an option!!!!)

UPDATE: voicemail listened to - he sounds like he's almost in tears. At this stage I am thinking close call for me then! He sounds totallly unstable.... He's offering to take me to dinner to make up for the misunderstanding. No thanks. I know that probably sounds heartless to you all out there but after 2 years of "Fixing" someone with issues, I have no intention of persuing a broken man ever again!

God really is it that diffucult to get a good date in this bloody town???!!!

Is this really what you would send? Like really!

So no dates this evening - out for a party instead! But have 2 dates tomorrow, seperate post to come on that one.

Anyway I just want to have a rant about emails. I mean come on guys, seriously. The rubbish I have had into my inbox in the last couple of days has been trully spectacular to say the least. Do men really think we fall for some of this stuff? again maybe I am unique and this just doesn't get me and maybe does other females so I just thought I would post some rather interesting pieces of text to show just what I am up against!

Christ bring on that Gin tonight I tell ya!

Here we go gang - read them and weep - LITERALLY!!

Needless to say these are some of the ones I am NOT planning on dating..

Be back tomorrow to chat on the debate of "Two dates in one day"

heya hun...

You surely good with wrds...and like a charmer...you have literally charmed me
enuff to write to u... To be honest i aint that good with WRITING words, but can surely match up with ur talking skills... ;)
And wish i cud prove the fact...that 99% of things which get u going are with this guy, tryin to chat u up :)
Love to see if we can work out sumthn between us..
I am 27 working as a manager for a store, puttin up jst up the bridges.
6ft, dark eyes and hair...athletic and a charmer too... :) m from new zealand...and m mixed.. :)
So u cud say... Tall, dark skinned (cos m mixed) and smart :P

Like reading, music and adventure sports (bungee jumping, para-sailing, rock climbing etc..)
I actually don't even understand half that - do any of you?


its ok for a woman to love shoes but as for me ! lol folk think am way too odd as i adore nice shoes xx ( on a lady ) lol
What the F***?


Hi Interesting to hear you like shoes lol. I like feet!lol.
As you say, what woman doesn't like shoes, but hey, sounds as if you are relaxed with your affliction. ha ha

So, a red head eh,,I'm interested.Unique, individual and different people, powerful character and spice, nice.

Would you like to take a risk and meet me for that coffee date sometime and maybe see if the spark can be lit into a roaring flame !
OMG - really??!!!


Two eyes meet across a crowded room.

You feel the tingle go up your spine as your back instinctively arches and your lips send a smile back to the stranger.

But the eyes don't look away.

You are being watched and you LOVE it! That feeling of excitement and electricity starts in your stomach.

A combination of arousal and that sinking feeling.

The one you get when you know that this man is going to get what he wants and you are going to enjoy him taking it. You can imagine the tender passion of his kiss on your lips.

As he begins to walk towards you your veins flood with emotion. Your heart begins to pound. Something incredible is about to happen. If you will only take the next step and SAY HELLO to him.

Are you the kind of woman that can appreciate the difference?

The difference between what you think you want and what would truly, deeply fulfill you? The difference between a little attention from a lot of men, and the right kind of attention from the right kind of man?

The kind of man who enjoys the sight of a woman truly fulfilled, truly exploring, truly experiencing who and what she is, not what her friends or others want her to be, but what she really wants to be in all of those ways that she hardly expresses, but only and wishes and dreams that she could?

I think when that can be realized, now, with me, that is when I see that a woman is truly wonderful to be with.

Something wonderful is about to happen.
I'm sorry but I am absolutely pissing myself laughing! - OMG

Seriously I am getting like 10 of these a day like this. What is it about my bloody profile that is pulling out this type of chat in men? Yes I like shoes, yes I mention that in my profile - I have a pretty normal profile outwith that... Must go and do some research to see if I have accidentally ticked the "all weirdos welcome" option!

Laters!
x

Is it ever acceptable to ask the man??

So in this day in age are we all still harbouring under the old fashion rules of dating? Do we still trully believe that the man should make the first move? At work we are more than happy to take on what we would believe is the right to do an equal job yet when it comes to approaching the male species we don't do it! Why is that? What makes us think that it is ok to be that ball busting female in the workplace but in relationship related challenges we should take the back seat? This is a question I ask myself a lot. And I still don't have the answer. I worry for all the assertiveness I show in my career I am a wallflower in relationships. The fact that with Voldermort I transposed into a 1950's housewife proves this point... yes I did. The man did nothing - he didnt need to I did it all, right down to laying out the bloody clothes and underwear he would wear to work each day! Where is the equal rights there? I mean if he was ever to express what underwear I wore I would be outraged!(eh ok maybe on occassioin he did but thats a whole different type of blog!!) He loved it though, he loved being looked after, loved knowing that what I dressed him in was what I wanted to see him in. Mmmm maybe there is a lot of truth in that.

Anyhow back to the question in hand - "Is it ever acceptable to ask the man? "This is becoming more evident the more thoughts of Mr Mysterious come to mind. I should just elaborate a little on Mr Mysterious. He's the first ever guy (and I swear the first ever) that I look at and just want to sleep with (and not of the going to my bed with my jammies on and rolling over to go to sleep type!) Seriously, when I see him thats all I want to do! I've never had that with anyone..I'm blaming pregnancy hormones still lingering on long after they should have done. I'm just not that type of person - but boy with him I would be that type of person! Not interested in a relationship with him, just want to jump him! So today during coffee with J she said that I should just ask him.. Yeah how the hell do you do that? Christ I'm the woman here that will sit through 2 hours of chat to be polite. I can't exactly be the type to walk up to this guy and say "right you, mines in half an hour!"

Sigh

It's just never acceptable is it???

Sigh

Date 4 - Mr Chookter

Right so this time I have to have got it right. Five foot 11, nice teeth, pics look great, profile good. He emails, I email back. Few emails later then he asks for my mobile number "not to call me?" I say in alarm! "No just to text" Fine I can agree with that. So the texts start. Initially odd one during the day and then some in the evening thats fine. The one thing I have learned during this experience is that men seem to have an expectation that you will text back immediately! That leads me to another dating question - what is an acceptable time to leave before texting back? How many texts are acceptable? For me normally I would text people back straight away but I currently have a baby to run around after - texting back is NOT my priority! However I have learned when you enter the world of dating this not texting back within say 10 mins means you are all of a sudden not interested. I have to say I am getting slightly annoyed with men who then text back 15 mins later with the "oh if you don't like me just say" christ if a woman was to text that to a man they would be running for the hills but for us we just have to accept that the 10 min rule applies with men! Great another bloody con to add to the relationship list.....

So I keep up the texting as much as I can (again why should I but at least I need to prove I made the effort!) Guys you really are complex charachters I tell ya!

We arrange to meet on the Sunday evening for a coffee first with the agreement that we will start with coffee and see how it goes (ie stay out for something to eat.) Venue - livingroom (again I hear you moan but I just love it there- feel very secure in there for some bizarre reason)
Time - 5.30

So no need to dig out the nightmare side zipping dresses this is a jeans a top assignment.

Get on the bus at 5 (yes I do do buses especially at that time of day). Head into town and all going well so far. He texts to say that he is on route. He lives down in the Borders somewhere so its a fair hike for him. 10 mins later he texts back to say thats me in George Street now. So there I am standing outside the Livingroom waiting on this man to appear who all I know is the small teeny pic I have seen of him. A couple of people pass and the nerves start building up but the keep on walking.. Its amazing how at my age you are still standing there feeling totally frozen to the spot when some guy on his own walks past!

Then walking towards me I see a really nice looking guy with lovely three quarter length coat on = he looks lush. Get a wee bit excited. He's walking right towards me and is slowing down - cool this could be the start of a good night. He stops right where I am but then talks to the person behind me - gutted!

10 mins later I am still standing there and starting to feel a bit like a spare - I hate lateness almost as much as bad teeth! Then on the other side of the road a guy walking along, only this time unlike Mr Long Coat mentioned above my heart actually sinks into the floor. Please do not let this man cross the road as I will just die if it is him. He looked horrendous! Phew he kept on walking. Thank God. Still no sign of this man though and he should be here by now as when he called earlier he was only a 5 min walk away! Just getting ready to fish my phone out of my bag when someone taps me on the shoulder saying "hey Sam" I turn and to my shock its the bloody man I saw on the other side of the street! noooooooooooooooooooooooo Fuck what do you do? Can't bail now! Could I just pretend I have had a heartattack? no I can't. Too polite to do that... So I say Hi back and wander into the bar... Great its going to be a long night!

In the bar I come face to face with the same barman from my previous 2 dates, he welcomes me with a "setting up another tab tonight are you?" I cringe slightly.. Chookter looks over at me and says "oh they seem to know you quite well in here then" eh yeah!. Set up my tab, settle down not with a coffee but with a large red and drink it almost in the one go! Incidentally he still doesn't look any better and what the hell is he saying, I just can't make it out? I smile sweetly and nod in where I think are all the right places... Hell I then realise he could be saying to me "how's about it?" and I would be agreeing so I stop doing that..

The hour drags by, seriously! I learn also in that hour that he has booked himself into a hotel in Edin for the night - presumptious or what?? there is no way I am hugging this man let alone going back to his hotel room!

"Blah blah blah blah eat?" I am assuming he means do I want something to eat? I say yes (what the f? why? I don't know - dont ask! - Im thinking it must be a) because I am in the Livingroom and b) it saves me cooking! So I agree.... I make a mental note there and then to google self help when I get home - I think I need it!

I eat, I drink, and I get the hell out of there! It's another no no. 4 Dates down and not one option of someone I would share a drink with on a second occassion!

As I am leaving he goes to the toilet. Barman shouts me over and says "eh I take it the dates not going too well then?" I said "what do you mean" he was like "come on you have been in here 4 times in the last couple of weeks and I have never seen you with the same man twice!" oops - time for a new venue I feel!!!

Get in taxi, say goodbye - air kiss this time..

2 mins in the text comes! - "Hey just to say had a lovely night, really hope we can do it again, you're fab"

Note to all guys out there - LISTEN WE LIKE THE CHALLENGE! MAKING IT TOO EASY FOR US IS A TURN OFF! DON'T TRY SO BLOODY HARD NEXT TIME!!!!

The debate rears its head again - FB vs Relationship

So let's do a recap! To date I have had:

The Blah boy - lesson learned that I am the type of person that needs stimulated (conversationally before you start off on some other train of thought!) oh and that teeth need to be good.

The Cocksure - lesson learned that for all those times I have claimed that confidence is a big turn on then in reality too much confidence is actually arrogant. Mmm confusing though because with confidence comes chat and thats back to my stimulation thought above!

Mr Small - no hard lesson learned here is there? Five foot 11 and above or else - end of!

Now in all of this I am learning more and more about myself as a person too - Im not just on some mad men hating showdown, hey they have their uses (can currently only think of Car Maintenance and Sex as options but I am sure there are more and hey the later can be achieved without need of said man!. Hey I'm well aware that I'm hard work (I'm sure most of my friends reading this will testify to that - apparently something to do with my dodgy Scorpio Star sign, cheers for that P) I give too much in life and therefore expect the same in return. I'm now thinking if I give nothing, I should expect nothing so I am setting my expectations low and anything better than that is a bonus.Again thoughts ponder then to Fuck Buddy route. Could this be in reality what most woman want? A shag with no ties? Mmmm lets consider this for a second before I continue with Date 4 Mr Chookter.

Pro's for a fuck buddy (FB)?
- Text or phone call away when the need is there
- No interest in "how was your day honey" actually no need to talk at all!
- No requirement to worry about whats wrong with them - they are ultimately just there for one reason
- Does what it says on the tin.
- No expectation of running around making dinner, cleaning and tidying up for them

Con's for a FB
- May expect the same service in return from you - and hey safe to say I aint no booty call late on a Sat night
- May be crap therefore whats the point?
- May start to expect more
- No emotional attachment - although I actually see that as a Pro

Pro's for a Relationship
- Lifelong bond (eww did I actually just type that? see I told you 2009 made me bitter)
- Someone to share everything with
- Someone to look out for you when you need it
- Someone to look after and hey this is one of the things I actually do very well - probably too well actually!
- Being part of a twosome, kindred spirits (eww see point 1)

Con's for a relationship
- Dealing with the goddam bloody moods - sorry guys but whoever said woman were super moody was a bloody man! You absolutely take the moodville to extremes... Us woman get bored of not talking as we are used to talking more so when you go off on one for a few days at a time it just doesn't cut it - come on, get over yourself! Be the bigger person, admit you were wrong, have make up sex, end of!
- Expectation that the housework/cooking is a female task. I'm sorry but hey I have a full time job, a very stressful one, one that requires 7 days a week working at times. I do all the childcare duties. I do not need to come home to see you slumped in the sofa after your "stressful day" chat to then ask "whats for tea hun"? Well if you had taken the time to open the bloody fridge you would know! God forbid you would actually remove something from the fridge and use that big silver contracption that sits in the middle of the kitchen with the words O V E N emblazoned on the front! Its funny though that when you have no energy to do that miraculously when its bed time you have all the energy in the world to expect some form of sexual antics that match those of the Kama Sutra! Truth is guys we are too bloody knackered after cooking, cleaning, ironing etc to even put our bloody jammies on let alone get our legs into some yoga advanced position! Maybe if you helped out a little more then sex may be forth coming!
- Remembering not only everything in your life but also his! What is it about entering into relationshipville that means not only are you responsible for orgnasing everything for yourself but them too? Come on girls how many times have you had to remind him "oh have you sent your mother's birthday pressie away?" "remember you have the doctors" "are you forgetting the kids parents night this week" and so on, christ I could write a blog alone on this. Can someone explain from a male's point of view how that happens? When does that responsibility cross over to us? Why then when your mum doesn't get a birthday present is it then an arguement with us as to how they hell could we forget your mothers birthday! Christ god forbid we would ask you to pick up a pressie for our friends/family, "you must be bloody joking - I aint going out shopping for your friends, wouldnt know where to start"

OMG I could go on and on

I've just decided after typing all that - FUCK BUDDY FOR ME!

and Mr Short makes it Date number 3

So whilst Mr Cocksure was still busy emailing and texting (despite being thrown the rubber ear! - take the hint man!) enter a new candidate into my inbox. This one look particularily interesting.. The website claimed that we matched on 21 points - thats good going as the max is 24! And hey he even paid extra to have a border round his profile, that surely must meen he's a bit more making an effort, yes? I start to read his profile. All sounding good, quite a funny profile, teeth look nice in this one. He winks at me. I wink back. Emails start from there, nice nice.

We agree to meet on Friday night, 2nd October. My male friend P says he has a good feeling about this one - I think thats just because this guy seems to share his inner geek as well. Hey don't get me wrong I have an inner geek, absolutely. I love all boy toys, gadgets, have a massive interest in cars and motorbikes. My Sky plus reads like your average bloke's, however in the same vane I am as girly as they come. I can twirl my hair like the best of them to get some male help! But to be fair it is a good start, at least a talking point where in the past disasterous dates there hasn't really been a talking point.

Now I'm not sure if you have picked up in this blog but I do have a love of shoes, the higher the better. I currently have in excess of 120 pairs and to be fair not really one pair is less than 5 inches. Doesn't every gal deserve a pair of shoes for every occassion? We were born with feet, they should look the part shouldn't they? It's a womans right to good shoes! Couple that with my already tall height of five foot ten then you can see that I may be quite tall when out and about. Everyone has probably seen those celebs etc on tv, in mags. The Sophie Dahl and Jamie's off the world, Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman. It's not an attractive look is it? So I do have a pre requisite on my profile to say at least 5 foot 11.

So imagine my surprise when I turn up to meet this 6 foot (detailed on his profile) guy who is actually 5 foot 7!!! To make matters worse the place I was meeting him at was closed so I stood there waiting (on a bloody step none the less!) which made me over 6 foot! He turns up and the first thing I can spot is his bald part of his head - I am actually that much taller than him! He gives me a hug (Im still on the step at this point) and his face just rests in amongst my boobs! Now I know there's no issue with that, time and a place for that huh. That time and place is not meeting on a first date. I must have registered shock on my face as he looked up and said "I'm too short aren't I?"

As I mentioned the place we were meeting at was closed so we decided to walk down to another bar at the end of the street. It was the most awkward walk ever. To compensate I adopted this very bizarre John Wayne come Hunch back of Notradame walk to reduce my height. At one point I was almost bent over. It's just not right! To be fair walking through town with my son (who is about the same height) is a far more acceptable option.

So we get to the bar - no comfy seats left just two seats at the bar - I'm fine with that as trust me tonight I aint moving from that bar!!! Get me a bloody drink now. Now without a word of a lie here, we pulled the two bar stools out and I sat up put bag down ready to order, turn round and he's actually struggling to get up on the stool. I couldn't control myself "need a hand up there?" that didn't go down too well. Once he finally got up his legs just hung there like some ventriloquist doll! OMG could this get any worse??

I have to say it was quite a pleasant evening, I think that may be clouded by the amount of drink I consumed but hey at least 2 good things - 1) Chat was good and 2) nice teeth.

Dilemma now is how do you not persue this any further on the grounds of "sorry mate you're too bloody small!" I simply cannot convey that positively into a text! Head firmly back in the sand again!! aaarrrggghh

Now the next part of dating etiquette raises its head again - this time the "End of date farewell" Mmmm ponder

Options - a) Handshake at end of night and a "thanks for a nice night" - maybe this a bit too formal like being at work - so nope
b) Air kiss - too much opportunity for a misplacement of lips though - nope again
c) A hug - could be an option but could risk any contact with body parts that you are not really willing to be in contact with! - mmm definate no
d)Nothing - as in nothing. - Option I took

"Thanks for a lovely night I'm off to get a taxi" I say, "Oh already?" "yes" I respond. Head out into the street and start to get into the taxi. "Can we share he says" eh "No we live in complete opposite directions" I respond. "Ah ok then, lovely to meet you" he then just leans in the bloody taxi and gives me a full on snog! eww. Quickly scramble for taxi door, yank it shut, batter the side of his elbow in the process!

"Drive Taxi, drive"
"Where to madam"
"at this moment in time - anyblodywhere"

Aaaaarrrrrgggh

Follow up text reads like this

"Hey there, Wot you up 2 today? Just wanted 2 thank you again 4 a lovely evening. U were great company (as well as great looking) and I hope we can meet up again soon"

I feel sick....

Why do I put myself into these situations? Am I still suffering some form of gullable itis? I ponder this as I head off to Sunday lunch with my good friends A&R who are obviously finding this all super amusing.. I'm so glad I'm at least keeping some people entertained!

Enter Date 2 - Mr Cocksure

Thursday 25th Sept
So Mr Blah would appear to have taken the hint – only had 5 texts today rather than 20 normally! Eh beginning to have a rethink about tomorrows date though. Today he emails to say that it might be good to exchange pictures. I am like well eh look at my profile online it has them on there. Oh no he decides hes going for it and sending me a pic. Ok fair enough. Comes through and hes bloody naked in it. I mean common, would you? Really? Admitedly he does have a fab body but its just not on. I have another friend on the dating scene at the moment and she had a similar pic sent. These guys seem to think that we are so desperate for it that sending a pic of a six pack will get us on the go. Eh am I wrong here? Is this where I am going wrong? Should I be looking at the six pack and thinking right I’m going for it? Christ this dating malarky is a minefield! I can’t even bring myself to respond to it. Now getting slight anxious about date… mmmm another broken leg I fear coming up! Time to just busy myself with lovely darling baby I think!

Friday 26th Sept
Date night number 2.. with the naked picture sending IT consultant. What can we call him – Mr Cocksure!
So there are certain things woman don’t realise after giving birth. 1) that lovely undewear that looked fab nine months ago now does nothing for your milk filled boobs. 2) You may have squeezed your feet into a size smaller Louboutin pre bump but now you aint even getting those pigs trotters into your larger sizes! 3) Fashion in 9 months has completely changed and that tent you have lived in from Millets over the last 9 months aint going to cut it anymore…. Time to address the wardrobe. Mmmm hour later and 10 outfits its safe to say that not only are things a bit tighter but also so not in fashion anymore. Time for a wee shop.. Off I toddle.

4 hours later I return with a new toothbrush, new outfit for the baby, some great new crisps that were on offer and a couple of Xmas pressies. Common how am I going to wear that? Decide a bath an option to chill out. Slip into bath, get book out, ah nice. Remember to check out if any de-fluffing required (gals you know what I mean) not that I would ever do anything on a first date but always nice to make sure things still in tact, and hey its been nine months since I saw my feet let alone checked everything out!! Safe to say all good – thank the lord for the wonders of Laser treatment…

So time to address the wardrobe situation again. Im feeling since its Missoni and George Street that I am gonna have to make the effort. Leggings and long top not going to cut it.. So I lay out all my dresses (and theres a lot) on the bed and start going through them. Now there are not many things I miss HIM for but this was trully his speciality! On nights out I would go through my whole wardrobe and he would sit on the bed for hours saying yes, no, maybe, try with this, change shoes etc. It was like having your best girlfriend there. Im realising that that and sex is pretty much all I miss him for. So I try each and every one on and each one worst than the last – gosh this pregnancy extra weight has really taken its toll… I am almost contemplating the leggings and top combo at this point when out of the corner of my eye I see a nice dress hanging on the hanger that I have never had on. It’s the Monsoon number that I bought earlier in the year when I was off out to a Celidh with Aisha and Rob – oooh that would be good. Take it out, remember how lovely it is, put it on. Now at this point desperation has reached new heights and I am now determined to wear this bloody dress. If I say the words “Side Zip”, does this install fear in any other female or is it just me? God created side zips to get back at woman I tell ya. So to the males out there let me explain. To get a dress on with a side zip you have to be versed in the art of flesh origami! So you put it on over your head, I then have to hoist my boobs over to one side to tuck them in and keep in place which in reality leaves one hand free. All fine I hear you say. However, what God also did with side zips was to ensure that to get them zipped up you have to hold the bottom of the zip whilst using another hand to pull the zip up. Now I know Im accountant but three into 2 just does not go very well. Unless you are born with 3 hands this is not an option.! So I struggle for half an hour, no joy. Really running out of options now as need to leave in 20 mins. Fuck what am I going to do??? Frantically look about the room and ponder my options. Change? - no good as tried every other item on. Call for help? - who there is no one here. Call off date? - couldn't do that as it's not good to do 20 mins before the date is due to start. Get one of friends to come and help? - Yes perfect! Then I assess the geographical split of that and realise closest one to me is like a 20 min drive away! Dam

Then it clicks - my ex husband. He lives 2 mins up the road from me - I know I will call him.. and I trully can't believe I actually did it!

So me - "hey how are you?"
Him - "good - you?"
Me - "really good but I was wondering if I could ask you for some help"
Him - "sure what's up"
Me - "well I am sure this is probably the strangest thing I am ever going to ask you in life but could you come down the hill and zip me into my dress"
Him - "sorry must be a bad line, I thought I heard you ask if I could zip you into your dress"
Me - "eh you heard correct"
Him - "are you out on a date tonight?"
Me - "eh yeah"
Him - "so you are asking me as your ex to zip you into a dress to go on a date?"
Me - "I am hopeful yes"
Him - "Ok but I cant believe you asking this"

Bless 5 mins later he turns up and zips me into dress. I swear it was singly the most bizarre thing I have ever had to do!!!

Anyhow look in mirror and pregnancy shape not looking too shabby! Grab a killer pair of heels and I am out the door feeling quite respectible I have to say!

So Taxi to hotel Missoni, time for last ditch at lip gloss and touch up of the make up - quite pleased with how I am looking for a change. Taxi pulls up outside the hotel, recognise him standing outside (not from his naked post I hasten to add!) so thinking right hun tummy in, boobs out, shoulders back. The biggest downfall in applying all these tricks is that I forgot about new shoes. Which girls you will know new shoes which have been unscored before wearing (art of scuffing the soles guys) can be disasterous and true to style as fate would have it whilst Im busy fluffing up and pouting I open the door and the dreaded new shoe syndrome kicks in. I fall out the taxi - yes thats right OUT the taxi. Not a single drink, nothing. Once again dress up in the air, bridget jones's on display.... How bloody embarrassing. He comes over and helps me up!! Run for the hills!

As he picks me up, (thank god for Estee Lauder double wear make-up I tell ya, could not see my red cheeks through it) I look up to see this man is wearing shades, yes full on shades. Ok ok I hear you all saying well so what, let me tell you 8pm in Edinburgh in any months after August means pitch black darkness.! Ok so maybe an eyebrown wax has gone wrong? (he certainly seems the type) or maybe a black eye? Or maybe even just one eye? The options are endless. I find myself consumed by curiosity. Im sure its only an oversight (no pun intended) on his part so I will go with it. Surely he will take them off when we get into the bar.

So lovely bar, I'll have a cocktail thanks. Nice Cosmopolitan, good choice. Chat starts quite amicably then all of a sudden he is like oh its my friends wedding tomorrow - do you have plans? yes of course I have plans... Oh "what are your plans he asks that you cant make this wedding" eh ahem I have just met you half an hour ago so even if I didnt have plans I certainly wouldnt be agreeing to go to a wedding! Instead I fumble with some incoherent response! Anyhow time to head to the Livingroom for dinner. Surely in the taxi the shades are coming off - nope!

Get to restaurant, table booked for 8.30 (its 8.20 at this point) Now for me half the joy of being out is not just about getting to table, eating and leaving, I love the whole being out chilling out with a drink etc. Oh no think again. Already (still wearing shades I have to add) he's up at the maitre d querying when table will be ready. "5 mins sir"

I swear at 4 mins and 59 secs (was that exact as he checked his phone that often) he was up again. I said "look lets just chill, we are in no hurry" his response came "sorry but these people need to understand when a booking is a booking" Again alarm bells in head shouting to me Run Forest Run - do I? No! of course not! Christ one thing you should have learned about me by now is that I am a complete and utter woose and hate upsetting people! So I stick it out. By this point he's decided that I must be up for a snog or even more. SO he comes back to the bar and rams his tongue down my throat! "I beg your pardon" I shout at him. "what dont you fancy me? every other female in here is staring at me - I could have anyone in here"..... I mutter under my breath "wish they bloody would"

Table called

I swear I ate a 2 course meal in 34 mins to be exact. Time to dig in bag for indigestion tablets!

"Right common babe" (I mean really Babe I aint!) we're off to meet my friends who are getting married tomorrow. Right enough is enough, find the balls hun - text my friends A&R and say "Olorosso now!"

Lets just say my friend A is no wallflower so on meeting him was instantly like "oh you are super cocky aren't you" and he's like "well yeah I look great, everyone loves me" she's like I think not.. Time seriously now for a sharp exit.

The pair of them bail and are like common hun you are coming with us. He steps in and says "no she's finishing her drink with us first" I swear I downed that drink in one go and left...

Get over yourself man. If he was chocolate I swear he would have eaten himself.

I end up drinking shots and dancing till 4am with my friends which was so more up my street

Fairwell Mr Cocksure - I can now see why you are single!

Still lingering in the back of my head is J's famous words about the saddos over 35. Is that me? Is he thinking the same about me? Do we really just get to an age where we are undateable? Am I in last chance salon now? The overriding question being "Is 35 too old to be dating?" and if not then are we just settling for those that society tossed aside? GULP

I'll end this saga with a quote recently posted to me on facebook from a late 30 single person too - maybe this explains it better?

"why is it a surprise that reality lets us down? You have to remember that we are no longer shopping in Fortnum and Masons any more, we are in Asda at the special offers corner. The tins are all dented and some of the labels have been ripped off. The "Best Before'" are all pre 1990"

Update - next day - text comes in "hey sexy, had a great night last night, would love to meet for a coffee"

I respond (obviously getting some balls) "sorry I don't think we have anything in common so I wouldn't want to waste your time with a coffee. I wish you all the best with your dating"

Response - "ok bitch fuck off then you obviously a player"

Update 2 - email from him 2 days later saying "hi Babe thats me back from Paris, not heard from you for a few days, figured we could be friends"

OMG this man needs professional help!

Date 3 - bring it on!