Sunday, 15 November 2009

When is dinner really what's on offer?




I've been thinking a lot recently (need to stop doing that actually!) about when dinner actually does mean dinner. Take last Sunday for example, I invite the LM to my house for dinner when in reality all that was on offer was me! Has "dinner" became the hidden secret code that we use for much more? Is it generally acceptable now that dinner means "stuff eating just get shagging"? Have I missed something along the way? Am I actually giving out the wrong signals? I decide this time I am definately taking myself off the menu and cooking...

There has been much debate this week with my friends as to me seeing LM again tonight. I mean I've already accepted that I can't have a FB, it would appear my emotional make-up does not allow for such self satisfying activities, I get too attached (sigh) but ont he same vane I'm not sure I can be friends with someone I have slept with? Does that make sense? How can you be friends with someone who you want to sleep with but you know you can't sleep with them as you can't be a FB? Gosh even reading that back confuses me - christ knows how you lot are keeping up.

So I drive to his (6pm start) this time I make a point of going into his flat. I think it's important to see someone's abode - tells you a lot about someone. I go in, really nice, not blokish at all, just lovely and warm and friendly feeling. "Do you want the tour" he asks? well yes of course! Get the tour and say to him "ok you ready? lets make a move" so he picks up flowers, wine and a dvd and says these are for you - awwww sweet. We head out. I head for my car, he says he is taking his too - ah ok then - read the signal there then. So we drive to mine, get in and I get the wine on the go. I start to make dinner and he comes in to give me a hand. There's something really sexy about a man helping you with dinner in the kitchen, I like that. So there we are pottering about amicably together, drinking our wine and chatting - it was really lovely. It felt nice... still screaming at myself to stop it.

So I make him (what I think) a lovely meal and he certainly seems to be very pleased with it which is good. We eat all three courses and head through to watch a dvd. Both chilled out - at this point I am on 4 glass of wine - never good for me - makes me do strange things... We get half way through the film and start cuddling in - then comes the discussion on staying over. He's like eh I am going to go home, and I have to say I was a tad gutted at that point, needn't have been as he ended up staying over. Only this time on the agreement that no sex, just sleeping, fine I can go with that - I'm shattered anyway. Get upstairs, climb into bed - this time Im a lot more content with getting undressed and have agreed that I will sleep with my underwear on this time to avoid any "challenges" yeah right - 2 mins in again and it's full on. Gosh he really does have theee most delightful body ever - I just can't get enough of it.... Note to self "control yourself woman"

Anyhow end up falling asleep and I awake about an hour later, total mind racing, I just can't do this, seriously I can't do this. I deserve better than this. I deserve to be a priority not a second resort as he can't get what he wants from this other woman. I decide there and then that this is it - no more. It ends here. I am aware that I could be walking away from the best thing that has happened to me but I am just not going back there. 2009 has made me cold, it has made me untrusting, it has left me with a huge wall around me and I just can't lay myself out there for someone to take advantage of (no pun intended lol!)

So we get up in the morning, have coffee and he is getting ready to leave. "Catch you at work tomorrow then?" and I reply "sorry no, I think we should just leave it at this" "Why" he asks. I tell him I cant have him as a FB and I can't do the friendship thing either" I tell him that I want it all - I want a real relationship, I want the fairytale, I want to be giddy with excitement everytime I see that person, I want to be persued and I want the works - I deserve the works. So he says "what - you are not going to email me, text me, talk to me again" "yup" I respond, "that's right I just can't" He looks at me as if he disbelieves me. Christ does this man not know what I am capable of in life. The ability to shut down and move on is part of my genetic make-up.

So I walk him to the door, he gives me a huge hug for a long time and I enhale that scent that has came to haunt me over the last few weeks and I send him off. I watch him walk down the drive and drive off, I shut the door behind me and exhale, it's over. And do you know what for once in my life I finally know what it feels like to have balls, to have the guts to stand up and be counted. I LIKE IT!

RIP LM - you were fab!

2 comments on "When is dinner really what's on offer?"

Shirley Gibson on 30 November 2009 at 14:45 said...

I just LOVE your blog! It's SO funny & brilliantly written!! Came across it on the Baby & Bump website.

Secretshopgal on 2 December 2009 at 21:31 said...

aw thanks very much. Ive been quiet on it recently but just about to ramp it all up again

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